Ramblings

I've been wanting to get back into writing on my blog more often or even regularly or something. I feel the writing could be beneficial to me - like getting things off my chest - but I'm feeling really self-conscious about it.

What if someone reads it and then thinks I'm stupid or crazy or insane (no crazy and insane are not the same thing) or hates me or blah blah blah.  Who cares?! It's not like I'm going to get a Pulitzer prize for my blog or anything.

I was mostly freaking out about some friends from Facebook being linked over to the blog and then they can judge me on things I want to write about (but haven't because of this possibility) or things I have written and they don't agree with or something. And some of these friends are beneficial to the kids too so I feel doubly obligated to make sure they like me. Yes, I know that's crazy - but it doesn't take me into the bad kind of crazy so I'm okay.  I unlinked blogger from Facebook so now my audience is down to whomever comes to this site - which takes effort and not a lot of people do it - or those that get it emailed to them - i.e. family and they have to love me no matter what. Haha people, jokes on you!

Some of what I want to write about but haven't is the drama that surrounded Scout and moving barns at the end of this summer. We switched because of reasons - just reasons that I won't bore you with them - but it was stressful. The first barn (barn A) was a bit further from us which kept us from going out as often as we did before and/or wanted to go out, but he was full care there so we didn't have to go out which was a pro and a con, and he was not liking it all that much so we switched again. He probably would have settled in eventually because he's a pretty chill guy, but all in all I was rooting for the next suggested change.

That move put Scout at a barn much closer to us (barn B). He's now on partial care and we're out there at least 5 days a week to muck his stall, fix up his grain, and hang out with him. But it's closer and I can get there in 10-15 minutes depending on the route I take and whether or not a road is flooded.

To add to the stress of barn changes (keep in mind this is all new to us and I like to plan and FREAK THE FRICK OUT when I cannot plan) I attempted to switch Carus's 4H groups. We were not happy with the main leader of the group - who this year was going to be the only leader of the group - and wanted a change, but the proposed change I found (really hard to find other groups accepting new members apparently) was closer to barn A and with the move to barn B it wasn't a good idea so we stayed with the old group.  Then, last month, people at barn B invited Carus to join the group they're starting up.  Her and a friend were in 4H as kids and now they have kids old enough to join and screw finding an established group and dealing with the drama there when we can start our own! (Ohmygod, the drama that can go down between the parents of 4H kids and the 4H kids - WOW - it's mostly the "adults" with the drama.)

We made the switch and I freaked out about telling the original group that we were leaving, because 'what if they hate me and take it out on Carus', which was completely irrational and I know it but still my anxiety level is max lately and nothing brings it down. I'm working on it. A week after I told them I was leaving the leader decided she's closing the group so the remaining two girls in the group had to find other groups too. Yes, this leader's flakiness is the reason we weren't happy - how'd ya guess?

Carus will be riding at least once a week with at least one of the other group members, which will be great for her to be able to connect with them and become friends - actually, she's already practically besties with the girl that's about her age (group is staying small so far with two girls, 14 and 15 and two boys, both 11).  Add in the fact that we won't have to worry about hauling Scout anywhere for meetings which will be at our barn, which saves loads of time and stress and means that even if weather isn't ideal for trailering Carus can still go to a meeting.  We're really excited about this new group and it's opportunities.

Robert and his back issues have continued. This last surgery has seemed to help a bit more than the first, but he's still not 100% and that annoys him which in turn annoys me because I have to put up with his cranky ass. I'm trying to be supportive of him and the whole situation but dammit sometimes I just want to shake him and yell and scream and cry and blame him. It's not his fault his back is messed up but still...sometimes it would be easier to blame him than be supportive. For better or worse, right...  It would help if the insurance company would stop screwing around and approve the things they need to approve or settle and we can stop dealing with them/waiting on them to do anything. The bureaucracy of it is MAD.DEN.ING!

Adam is doing well, but he's getting closer and closer to graduation and being an 'adult' and still isn't sure what he wants to be when he grows up (which I understand because I fell into my career and sometimes I would love a change but don't know what) and I worry that I'm failing him because I haven't helped him find his path.  Carus knows she wants to go to Stanford (closest Ivy League school and she thinks she will be able to go for free - they have a free for families that make under a certain amount) and that she wants to be an artist (illustrating shows and video games). Adam doesn't even have a field he leans towards. I could see him as a history teacher, but he says he doesn't want to deal with kids ("kids suck" and "they're a pain in the butt")(he really empathizes with his teachers and what they have to deal with). I could also see him as a writer, but he doesn't want to write. So beyond those suggestions I don't know what else to tell him. Go take a few classes at college and then decide?

I don't have a conclusion for this, but I was right in that this helped... feeling much less anxious now.