Struggling

We lost Scout this summer.  He had been dealing with a runny nose for several months and was losing weight.  Antibiotics, expectorants, upping feed, etc - things were tried and not really helping much.  Imaging was done and a mass was seen in his sinuses.  He could have a surgery and they might not even be able to get the mass, he would have trouble with the surgery, if he survived, and because of his history of cancer, the mass was probably cancerous... the decision was made.

We took Carus out and she rode him and loved on him and the next day her and I returned. We bathed him and put flowers in his hair and had one last photo shoot with his girl. Robert helped take him to his appointment the next morning.

We ended up canceling the lease with Dusty too so we sort of lost both.

About a month or so later, we started looking at lease options and one kind of fell into our laps with someone moving into the barn we'd been at for a couple years.  They were joining our 4H group and looking for a partial lease on their horse. Their kid is junior level and they saw Carus as a senior level kid as an opportunity to put some valuable miles on and finish their horse for their kid.

We're about 3 months into that lease and it's going.... not perfectly but not a disaster. I don't know. Carus is just not connecting with this horse. She thinks she's holding back a little to keep from getting hurt and is trying not to hold back but just can't help it. I'm not connecting with her either. I don't really like her - she's not a bad horse or anything. It's just not.... something.  Something is off or different and I don't know how to fix it.

I was scrolling through pics today looking for some landscapes for Carus for her art class and got far enough back that it's just a bunch of her with Scout and Dusty and I'm just struggling.  I miss both of those horses, especially Scout, and the connection Carus had with them.

So yeah, now I'm crying because I miss those damn horses, I feel like I cannot make the right decision for Carus to allow her to participate in and do good in 4H and showing, and I am just a flipping mess...

Morality and Religion

Ever see someone claim they are acting in accordance to God's Morality and you just think, "man, that is a God I do not want to know"?

Yeah....unfortunately, me too.

Adam has graduated!

Not only has my baby officially become an adult and he does adult things (like driving and working and paying taxes and going to the bank and buying stamps and paying bills), he has graduated high school!  

Adam graduated with Honors (that little medal he's wearing) and I was so excited and happy and proud. 

I had hopes that lots of family would be able to come celebrate with us, but unfortunately it wasn't in the cards.  Gramma Jerye was able to make it though and I'm glad she was.  She's been at a couple of his big events - being born, turning 16, graduating high school.  

And it was a good visit with her - I hope she had a nice vacation.  

In 3 years, Carus is due to graduate... time flies...

Adam and some of his closest friends. 

Leaders Show 2017

It was a very eventful and busy Saturday. 

Carus has started doing English classes at shows, and those are first in shows, which means really early.  Most shows start between 7:00 and 8:30 in the morning. You have to factor in getting up and ready, getting to the barn and feeding breakfast, loading and hauling to the show grounds, getting set up there, tacking up and warming up, and it all makes for VERY early mornings.  

We made it with plenty of time, but found that Dusty lost a shoe somewhere between Friday evening when the farrier came out to our barn to replace a loose nail and the fairgrounds.  We ended up finding it in the trailer, which means she lost it on the way to the show.  The farrier was able to make it out and did an urgent shoe replacement and the rest of the day was....less eventful than that morning.  

Carus did 3 classes with just one shoe (Dusty was moving fine and didn't seem to notice that she was possibly lop-sided) and missed one class (by just 1 minute - seriously, if we had been able to re-bridle her just a smidgen faster, they would have made it).

This is post showmanship green horse - 4th place! They did very well and placed in most of her classes (the loping/cantering ones need a bit more work) - earning two 2nd places, a 3rd, a 4th, two 5th places, and a 6th place.  

Robert being a horse show dad and holding Dusty when Carus ran to the restroom.  ❤❤

He's not a horse person and doesn't have any interest in being a horse person, but he holds horses, occasionally helps with chores or picking up food or supplements, cheers Carus on and helps support her during shows, and is going to be hauling to shows and events. Not because he's becoming a horse person, but because he loves us.  ❤❤

Dusty was definitely done near the end of the classes and let Carus know with some refusing to move forward and spinning and little hops and threats to buck. Carus rode it all out and worked her threw it and her last class ended with the judge asking her to just stand while they finished the class (probably as a precaution to keep the judge and ring steward safe as well as the other competitors and Carus) and on our way back to the trailer at the end of the day, the ring steward approached us to tell Carus that the judge was very impressed with her sticking with Dusty and trying to work her threw it and not giving up.  I really appreciated it.  It had been a very long day and Dusty did great for her third show ever and a lot classes, several really close together.

Video of her green horse showmanship pattern - she placed 4th in this class. 

3 weeks!

Only 3 weeks until Adam's graduation!!

He has turned in his senior project and I'm pretty sure he's given the presentation for that already too.  That reminds me, I want to have him show me the presentation.

His project was being stage manager for a Shakespeare play back in the fall.  He's done stage managing for a few of the plays put on by the drama department at the high school so it wasn't a stretch, but he did have to write an essay and take photos and put it all into a presentation answering certain questions so it was a bit more involved than "usual".

I'm excited for his graduation! And so proud!

And also a bit weirded out.  It just seems so surreal that we're already at graduation for him.

* * * * * * * * *

Our driveway is just big enough for 2 cars. If one car pulls all the way forward we can squeeze in one more and so Adam and I have been playing Car Jenga since he got his car and often being sure to have the first one out the next day parked behind the other.  Most days, he's behind me since he leaves for school and I work at home.  Every now and then we end up having to move one car to let the other out - and it's often he moving his car to let me out so Carus and I can go to the barn.  We have sort of developed a routine.

He backs out and off to the side and I back out lining up next to him.  Carus then rolls down her window (front passenger seat) and makes faces at him or calls him a nerd or such, and Adam is doing the same - making faces or calling her a nerd.

I just wanted to get that written down before I forget because it makes me smile.

Spring Horse Classic 2017

Carus went to the State competition this weekend to compete in Horse Bowl - which is a trivia type competition where they answer questions about horses, how to take care of them, the equipment used with them, as well as riding and showing horses and other 4H rules.  Our county competition was delayed by a month thanks to all the snow in January, which gave us one less month to prepare than the other counties had.

She was on the Intermediate team - and they got 4th place out of the 12 competing counties!  Washington County's Senior team got 3rd place out of 10.  The competition was fierce and each round quite intense.  In one round, Carus buzzed in to answer the last question - the deciding point!  It was quite a difficult question with multiple parts that had to be just right.  The whole room focused on her hard while she answered, and as she said the last words, she froze in place.  Her hands still held up mid gesture she was making while speaking using her fingers to list each part out.  The whole team was leaning forward and perched on the edge of their seats.  Everyone in the room, from the score keepers and timers, to the other team and all of the parents in the audience, seemed to collectively hold their breath.  As soon as the judge nodded and said, "that's correct," Carus and her team collapsed into their chairs with relief and the room let out an audible, collective sigh.  Carus's was the loudest.

Our last round was against Clackamas county (who came in 2nd) and we tied with them, then lost the tie breaking round by 1 point!

We watched the final round, and Carus and her friend were bouncing in their seats at each question because they knew the answers! It was quite comical to watch their dramatics of not being able to scream out the answers -- but you know, some of those answers came to them so easily because they weren't in the hot seats with a buzzer in their hands anymore.

I've never been to Redmond/central Oregon before.  Goodness, Oregon is pretty all over!!  The views coming over the mountain were gorgeous, and I kept getting awestruck at the view of the mountains from the fairgrounds.  I'm so glad the weather was nice - kept the drive uneventful.  And I'm glad I was able to take her to this event!  We drove down early Saturday morning, and headed home Sunday afternoon; just over 400 miles round trip in one weekend! I'm still a bit knackered, but oh so proud of her.

Adam update!

Let's do an update on Adam. Because I want to write something and I should probably talk abut my first born for a change.

He's officially an adult and he's been doing all sorts of adult-ing things this year. He's gotten a car, a job, traveled (mostly) solo - across the country.  Robert helped him file his taxes, and he got a tax return (don't get used to that buddy!). He's ONLY 3 months away from graduating high school! He still doesn't know what he wants to do for a career/job/college. There are some programs that would work perfectly for quick and easy access to a start of a career - and a good career at that, but he's having trouble committing because of what ifs.

"What if I don't like that job? Then I've wasted the time and money on it."

I get it, I get stuck on the what if I don't like it often as well. I don't know what else to do. We try to talk through options. 

He's also in the generation who has learned from their older siblings or parents, that college is super effing expensive and soooooo many people in this country are currently so deep in debt it isn't funny. And just with school loan debt. It shouldn't cost THAT much to go to college; and not even an ivy league school, but dinky little community and smaller state colleges. So much debt with horrible interest rates that you can never get ahead on and still pay cost of living expenses. With those loans being the only options for so many people and with the constant chorus of "you have to go to college to get a good job," waaaay too many people are stuck. 

But I digress.

In school, he's doing okay. He's skating by the classes he doesn't *need* to graduate, and doing well in the ones he does *need*. Work is going well, he likes earning money and having his own car.  We hardly see him because he's at school, hanging with friends, working, or hanging with friends. I see him a bit less because I'm often off being Carus's chauffeur.

See. I can't even get a pic of him unless I snap it quickly as he's heading out the door for work or school (here, work).  

His work stories are interesting...and gross.  He likes his coworkers and managers A LOT, but is totally not a fan of customers. Especially rude jerks or customers that smear their poop all over the bathroom or urinate in the trashcan. He can sympathize with those vomiting, though isn't a fan of them either. The franchise owners seem good to their employees too. There were $25 gift cards for Christmas (not much, but in my opinion amazing coming from a fast food restaurant) and they recently put one of their employees up in a hotel for the weekend when her home flooded. THAT makes me feel like they're good people.  

Anywho - I'm very proud of how awesome he's turned out as a young adult and am excited to see how he grows and matures and moves through life. 

And also completely weirded the frick out about having a child that old.

Carus update

How about an update on Carus?

Sounds good to me.  

Carus is doing amazing! She's making Freshman year look like a piece of cake and I'm so proud of her.  Her grades are great and she's being silly with retaking tests in the high 80s and low 90s to get even higher scores. She wants the highest As possible.  I think the only area she is struggling in is French, but learning a second language can be hard. She is becoming an awesome young woman and I'm seriously so proud of her every day. 

With 4H, she's doing great too! This last weekend was Horse Bowl (like Jeopardy for horse and 4H questions) and she answered enough questions correctly to get 3rd place, she faced her anxiety about public speaking and did a presentation on Stretching for Your Horse and she got 4th place of all Intermediates in Presentation, and then literally volunteered last minute to do an Impromptu speech and got 5th place in that! (5th place ribbon needed to be ordered.)

(Impromptu is where you are given a topic and you have to prepare a speech in 2 minutes, and then give it. The speech must be between 2 and 5 minutes.  Her's was just under 2 minutes on "What class would you add to fair if you had a choice?" - she choose At Liberty Training (where you have a horse do showmanship and other tasks without a lead line).

With that 3rd place in Horse Bowl, she qualifies for Spring Horse Classic!  That is the State-wide Horse Bowl (and speech and presentation) competition. It's at the end of April and we're not sure if she is going to go yet.  She has to want to, and we have to be able to afford the 4-ish hour drive to Redmond, Oregon, and the hotel stay from Friday to Sunday. When we get a bit more information about it, we'll make the decision.  I hope we can make it happen if she wants to go. 

Her working with Dusty is really paying off and Dusty is starting to trust her, and Carus to trust Dusty.  Her appaloosa and smarts get in the way sometimes still, but so much progress has been made. Lessons are going well and Carus is excited for the rest of the shows they have picked out to do this year (one in March, one small one in May and one big one in May, then the main event, Fair, in June!) and I'm less worried about Carus getting hurt on this head-strong mare. 

She got on bareback for a little bit the other night - first time on Dusty bareback.  At first, Dusty tensed up like she was going to start throwing a fit about it, but once she figured out that Carus was just going to love on her and I was going to walk her around she calmed down.  

Last week, while Carus was riding with the other kids at the barn, we were treated to a SPECTACULAR sunset and of course we did the mom thing and made the kids pose for some photos.  And this isn't too bad for a phone photo.  I should start taking the camera with me all the time just for the times we get something this amazing.

Scout has been doing well. I've ridden him with Carus riding Dusty once recently, and hope to do it again. I need to build my confidence on him, and he needs to build his confidence in me, but I'm hoping someday we can go on a trail ride together.

Photography challenge

Well, that didn't take long for me to get uninspired.

In week 3, I realized the list I was looking at online was the previous years' list and I had printed out this year's list.  But no biggie, week 2 and 3 were the only "wrong" ones and I didn't like this year's prompt anyways.

I took a series of photos for week 4 (Mirror) and will share that.... eventually.... maybe. *sigh*

Decided to skip week 5 because I just wasn't inspired by it (Ten Shots)

And then I bought a bag of Skittles for week 6 (Candy) and still plan on trying a few ideas out with those because surprisingly I still have that bag of Skittles 2 weeks later (hid it from the kids well HA!)

Because I do want to write/journal here more and I do want to be inspired by creating art with my camera; I'm going to attempt to remove some pressure of deadlines from me so no more weekly challenge.  My new goal is to share what I've done recently, what I've done that week, the photographs I've taken and the stories I have to share, and hopefully that will help get me out of this funk where I want to create art but don't particularly feel inspired to create art.

Let's see how that works....

Documentaries

(You might have seen this on my Facebook. I wanted to share here too.)

Carus is learning about WWII in school and yesterday while trying to find something to watch we found a documentary on Amazon. It was an interview with a survivor.

She was 15 when her town in Poland was invaded. Her brother was 18. He was sent off to work, and they never heard from him again. They moved her and her parents to the basement of their home while a German family moved in, and she wasn't even allowed to go into her garden.

She was 18 when they split her from her parents and was sent off to Auschwitz and 21 when she was liberated. She was one of 150 women that survived a death march that started with over 2000 women in January 1945. Liberation for her was in May 1945. Her best friend died in her arms while she watched an Allied jeep approach.

On the train to Auschwitz, after living in an occupied city for 3 years, not knowing what came of her brother, not knowing when she'd see her parents again, she still thought the war would be over soon; within 6 months.

She was the only member of her family, the only one of her closest friends, the only one of her town to survive.

The only one. 

* * * * * * * * * * *
We went on to start a BBC documentary on Netflix with 6 episodes. Not surprisingly, episode 1 was about Auschwitz.

In it, they interviewed survivors AND Nazi soldiers. One Nazi soldier still held his prejudice. He had little to no remorse for what he did. He looked embarrassed to be speaking of it but not remorseful. He spoke of massacres of shooting women and children at the edge of a pit they were forced to dig, and when asked why he just said because it's what was done. When asked if he regret any of it, he said no. When asked why, he said because they were Jews.

He had grown up with the anti-Semitic propaganda that bread the Nazi regime and the concentration camps and WWII. It was so deeply instilled in him that 80 years later he still had no regrets about murdering hundreds (or thousands) of men, women, and children.

* * * * * * * * * * *
It's all been rattling around in my head today. It was hard to watch. It will be hard to continue to watch.

My daughter is 15. My son is 18.

* * * * * * * * * * *
I wish I had gotten some of Robert's grandmother's stories written down/recorded (she grew up in England and was coming of age during WWII). The few she shared with me were amazing.

52 Week Photography Challenge: Week 3 - Red

Artistic:  Red
Shoot whatever inspires you. Red should be the focus of the image. Don't be afraid to be creative.

This week FLEW by and that found me getting ready for Carus's show Friday evening realizing I hadn't photographed a thing all week with my big camera - and definitely not focusing on the prompt of the week of "Red". 

But that's okay - Dusty's colors for the show were red and Carus had a red snood in her hair and hey lucky us the arena is red too. All my prompt photos were taken at 2017 Shaggy Days horse show in McMinnville at the Yamhill County Fairgrounds.

Carus studying her pattern.  Her hat had the plastic cover to keep it dry and clean. 

We're becoming very organized for horse shows tack, outfits, and supplies wise.  This and knowing more of what to expect alleviates a lot of stress and anxiety.

This was Dusty's first show and we were worried about how she would do. Dusty is an emotional/nervous/busy body type horse and she does pick up Carus's anxiety and nerves easily.

Dusty was nervous and looked around a lot, didn't like putting her back to the stands and all the people in the stands, wasn't too sure about the loud speaker or all the horses, but she still did well.  

And Carus did amazing and kept her cool when Dusty was not keeping her cool.  We put the red ribbon in her tail as it's the horse show symbol for "this horse kicks".  Dusty hasn't ever offered to kick but we figured it would help keep some people from riding or walking too close and creating more anxiety for an already anxious horse. 

Showmanship was first and while their pattern wasn't perfect, Carus didn't forget any of the steps and Dusty didn't run the judge over so all in all we're happy. 

Green Horse Showmanship - Sixth place 

Western Equitation Green Horse Walk/Trot - 4th place 

For her riding classes, again Carus did very well keeping her cool and working with Dusty who was nervous and a little spooky about the new place.  

Western Pleasure Green Horse Walk/Trot - 5th place 

This was in the morning before we left for the show.  I had banded Dusty's mane in an attempt to get it laying down nice and neat for the show. It did not stay over night.  We ended up removing the bands and just leaving her mane in all it's appaloosa glory. 

More information about the Dogwood Photography 52 Week Photography Challenge can be found here.

#dogwood52, #dogwood2017, and #dogwoodweek3

52 Week Photography Challenge: Week 2 - Landscape

Landscape:  Traditional Landscape

Shoot a beautiful landscape and share it with the world.  Find a nice foreground and don't forget the sky.

Phone photo of the view from the front window.

There were so many landscapes that I wanted to go out and get while we had our snowpocalypse but was mostly stuck at home.  The roads were not safe to drive and while we could have done okay with my all wheel drive car and Robert's truck, we didn't have to risk it, so we didn't.

Instagram photo of Chewie looking and the view.

It snowed, then the clouds left and it got really cold. With the sun out during the day though, the snow on the streets melted enough for people to start getting around and we went out to the barn to do chores and haul water buckets all over since we'd only hook up one hose to fill waters.  The morning crew would take the evening's buckets and put in the tack room to thaw out for the evening crew to switch with the day's buckets.  And pushing wheelbarrows full of manure through snow to dump is a pain in the butt. Almost literally. Carus slipped a few times pushing up hill (I clean stalls, she dumps) but we managed and were rewarded with some lovely sunsets.  

Cold weather and clear skies gives some pretty sunrises and sunsets.

Phone photo of the sunset colors at the barn.

Adam shoveled our driveway and some of the sidewalk and then made me a snowman.  If you look just so, you can see he has two eyes and a smile. 

I did get my big camera out on my lunch and breaks and walked the backyard with the dogs. (Downfall from working from home - no snow days.)

View from our back porch

7 inches of snow

Adam making snowballs for the dogs. 

And then he bit on it and was confused when it disappeared into the rest of the snow.

Playing with the frozen soccer ball.

My frozen clothes line.

One of the evenings we were out at the barn doing chores, Carus and I decided to go for a little ride. 

We probably spent more time tacking the horses up than riding. It was COLD!  

More information about the Dogwood Photography 52 Week Photography Challenge can be found here.

#dogwood52, #dogwood2017, and #dogwoodweek2

Happy Birthday Chewie!

Chewie just turned 1 (January 7th)!

Had to include the cute outtake. 

I can't believe he's already 1.  Of course I had to take pictures for it.  Carus helped me positioning him and getting him to hold still.  

She's a good helper and he's a good boy. 

We had to lock Leia and Yoda in the other room. They wanted to do tricks for treats too. Haha

The hat was put on his head like 50 times for each shot I got.  Except this last one where he only shook his head instead of pulling it off so one more cute pic.