Struggling

We lost Scout this summer.  He had been dealing with a runny nose for several months and was losing weight.  Antibiotics, expectorants, upping feed, etc - things were tried and not really helping much.  Imaging was done and a mass was seen in his sinuses.  He could have a surgery and they might not even be able to get the mass, he would have trouble with the surgery, if he survived, and because of his history of cancer, the mass was probably cancerous... the decision was made.

We took Carus out and she rode him and loved on him and the next day her and I returned. We bathed him and put flowers in his hair and had one last photo shoot with his girl. Robert helped take him to his appointment the next morning.

We ended up canceling the lease with Dusty too so we sort of lost both.

About a month or so later, we started looking at lease options and one kind of fell into our laps with someone moving into the barn we'd been at for a couple years.  They were joining our 4H group and looking for a partial lease on their horse. Their kid is junior level and they saw Carus as a senior level kid as an opportunity to put some valuable miles on and finish their horse for their kid.

We're about 3 months into that lease and it's going.... not perfectly but not a disaster. I don't know. Carus is just not connecting with this horse. She thinks she's holding back a little to keep from getting hurt and is trying not to hold back but just can't help it. I'm not connecting with her either. I don't really like her - she's not a bad horse or anything. It's just not.... something.  Something is off or different and I don't know how to fix it.

I was scrolling through pics today looking for some landscapes for Carus for her art class and got far enough back that it's just a bunch of her with Scout and Dusty and I'm just struggling.  I miss both of those horses, especially Scout, and the connection Carus had with them.

So yeah, now I'm crying because I miss those damn horses, I feel like I cannot make the right decision for Carus to allow her to participate in and do good in 4H and showing, and I am just a flipping mess...

Being Brave

Okay, first.  The title is inspired by this song, Brave by Sara Bareilles, that my friend Bethany introduced me to this evening.  I've been listening to it on repeat, it's really speaking to me right now.  This post started out as a Facebook update and then I went, "whoa, this is wayyyyy too long for Facebook. I should put it on my blog."  Which is what I'm doing.  And it's taking a bit of courage.  (Hold on, gotta push play again.) Okay, now on to the point of my post.

This article/project (Ashamed and Embarrassed That Her Daughter Posed For This Project) (heads up: Along with the article are photos of a nude fat woman - no nipples or genitalia is shown) is making waves in a Facebook photography group I am.  There are a lot of people saying, "well, as long as she's healthy it's okay for her to be fat" and other bullshit like that.

I have always struggled with my self esteem, and a lot of it manifests with issues my weight and other "imperfections".

Shortly after I noticed Carus mimicking me in saying she's ugly and she's stupid, I started really working on my self esteem.  I've been working on showing I think I'm beautiful even when I'm not feeling particularly beautiful. I don't want my daughter to ever think she is not good enough because she isn't _______.  That blank can be filled with anything, by anyone, - not tall enough, not blonde enough, not thin enough, not enough boobs, too much hair, too curly of hair, too straight of hair, too much of this or not enough of that.

And it's all a bunch of crap.

We all have our insecurities, but we STILL need to recognize that they are just that.  Insecurities. (And here I have to say that along with other friends, my friend Bonnie and her pro body image posts she shares has helped me a lot.)

When Carus looks at me, she sees her mom. She wants to wear makeup like me.  She wants to wear pretty shoes or pretty clothes, or curl my hair or blow dry it straight when I do.  Because she is my daughter and I am the most important woman to her.  She is looking to me to show her how to be comfortable in her own body and how to love herself.  I can't just tell her to love herself, I have to show her how it is done.

So I've been working on it, and I think I'm doing a damn fine job at it. I no longer lament how fat I am or how ugly I am.  I will say that I'm feeling blah or frumpy - and then I hang out with friends, do my hair or makeup or nails or, if I have a few bucks, go buy myself a new shirt or something, and THEN I say, "there, I feel better."

Carus is still working on her self esteem.  I did damage before and she's going through puberty, which can be a bitch.  But she is doing better and I think I will succeed in showing her how to love herself.  (And note - I'm just talking about being pretty/feeling pretty, but it's also extending into recognizing and celebrating my, and in turn her, intelligence. Also note, me having a positive self esteem also has benefits for Adam, but in different ways.)

So anyways, back to the article, and my point.  This is the comment I posted on that thread* and I want to share it here too.

"Stop trying to qualify beauty.  Stop saying "it's okay to be fat, as long as you're healthy".  Everyone has a right to be - a person.  You are a person, they are a person.  And all people are beautiful BECAUSE OF their differences (not 'despite' or 'even though').  The differences (short, tall, fat, thin, smooth, hairy, wrinkly, botoxed, crooked teeth, uneven feature, deformities, scars, stretch marks, big boobs, small boobs, saggy boobs, short hair, long hair, no hair, ETC are what make us beautiful.

I think Sue Bryce's message is that EVERY WOMAN is beautiful.  She uses glamour photography to pamper women, who notoriously don't take time for ourselves and notoriously make excuses not to be in photographs.  The pampering makes them feel good about who they are.  And they love the images she takes of them not because she minimized their waist or arm or bum; or because she smoothed out a few wrinkles - they love those photographs because they are a window to their soul.  They show the beauty that she sees.  The beauty that all of those that love them see.  They allow them to say, "I am beautiful and it is okay to love myself."

And it is.  It is okay to love yourself.  As is, with flaws - imagined or perceived or real.  And it is okay for those women in that project to love themselves.  It's okay for you (man or woman, by the way) to love yourself.  Love yourself for who we were yesterday, who we are today, and who we will become..."

*It's a photography group that focuses on glamour photography in style with the amazing photographer, Sue Bryce's style.