Going ons

I should probably update this more often so I didn't feel like I had to make a list of all that is happening.  Lots is happening, some good, some bad and some it's still to be determined good or bad...

Gah, I just looked at recent posts to see what has been said and I've got not a whole lot for a base level.  Let's just break it down into per person or subject.

Me: I'm doing well, but at the same time not well at all.  My health is fine or steady or whatever. My plantar fasciitis is still killing me most days and I'll get it doing okay then push myself to do more/exercise more because I know that if I build up a higher baseline than what I'm currently at it will be better in the long run, but then I pay for it for a few days.  Guess where I'm at in that cycle right now - the point where I want to whine and cry.

Emotionally, I'm all over the place.  I'm stressed and anxious, but don't feel like I have enough to be stressed or anxious about, which makes me feel guilty and then I get all anxious over that. So yeah, I'm in a pretty shitty spiral and doing my best to stay afloat. I don't feel like I'm juggling all my responsibilities well, but my kids are fed and loved, my pets are fed and loved, I still have a job, and everyone is wearing clean (albeit wrinkled) laundry so there's that. Work is fine, they love me and I mostly love my job, but I'm irritated as fuck over some recent unnecessary changes that make my job more difficult and don't feel like I can say anything.

Carus is doing really well with Dusty now, which has alleviated some of my anxiety about how Dusty and Carus would handle showing, but Scout might need to find a new home which is breaking my heart. I love him as much as Carus - he's basically my first horse too - and I don't want to take him from her, but if we get to the point of leasing/buying a horse for Carus to finish her 4H career with, it has to be a horse she can actually show and Scout can't show. (He is doing okay physically, so could handle some showmanship and probably some trail, but not the amount of work needed for equitation.) Enter ALL of the guilt with that situation and then multiply it by a billion.  I don't know. A lot can happen between now and when Scout needs to find a new home, but for now the prospect is debilitating.

Speaking of Carus, now an actual update on her and not just my anxieties about her.  Carus is doing well.  She's adjusting to high school extremely well and is doing okay in classes (there has been some confusion on how the teacher wants answers formulated that have affected her grades).  Socially she is focusing on friends and making good friends and ignoring the bad friends and those that talk crap.  I think her self-confidence has helped this aspect immensely and I'm glad that all the steps I've taken to help her there have done their job. She's excited to turn 15 and get her permit so she can learn to drive, like now.  She's excited for shows this year and is ready to get Dusty in the show ring. I'm very proud of all the hard work she's put in on herself.

My anxieties about Adam have dulled... at least until we get closer to graduation and looking at going to college stuff. So for like 5 minutes? And I'll probably end up hyperventilating in a ball in the corner when he gets his license and takes his car for a drive all by himself. Shit, I'm almost there just typing that out. See above - RE: I'm a mess.

Adam is skating through his senior year, though he'd probably tell you otherwise because he is busy and doesn't have as much downtime as he'd probably like.  He only has to get 2 credits to graduate but he's taking a full day of classes.  He's taking two different culinary classes as well as band and astronomy "for fun".  I think his physics class counts as a credit, but to him it's still "for fun".  His senior project is about managing a play; the first play of the school's play year - High School Musical - and that has been keeping him busy and not really working much.  He's averaging about 20 hours a week for work which is enough for his car payment and insurance.  Now for him to just get his license; he just has to schedule a time (there's a waiting period).  The other night he realized that he's an adult and doesn't need permission to get a tattoo or buy lottery tickets and thought that was fun; and he just got his first ballot in the mail. Woohoo adulthood - which shit head politician should be president?

Robert is working now.  He finally got released from medical for his back injury and was able to get a job and has found one that he can do without causing too much pain which PHEW because I don't need that added worry back in.  He'd tell me that I don't have to worry cause it's his back, but that's not how it works.  He's looking into surgery to fuse those discs that are bulging in the near-ish future.  Approvals need to be sent and received and steps taken to get there. I'm also worried about that.  At least I have a theme for my life right now - worry and anxiety all day long with a side of bonus anxiety for those extra worrying times. For now, he's dealing while working a lot; he works 12 hour shifts 3 days one week and 4 days the next though right now it's just 4 days a week as there is a ton of over-time available.

Blargh. This post feels weird, but it's what I got for now.

What the heck did you do to your foot?

I hurt it.

I'm working on getting it better though.

What I did, though?  Well, I rolled it/twisted it last year at Leakycon, on the first day, and then proceeded to attend Leakycon (I was.not. missing out!) for the next 4 days.  I took a couple days of rest afterwards and it was feeling better but once I stopped the rest it got bad again.

Rinse and repeat.

I would rest it, it would get better for a little bit and then I'd have an extra long day or busy day or it was Tuesday (meaning that sometimes I don't know why it hurt more) and it would get bad again.

I could still walk on it though.  The first few steps in the morning were horrible, but it warmed up or stretched out or whatever and it would be better.  If it was a really long or busy day, it would be bad bad bad that night. I'd ice it, elevate it, and occasionally take some pain meds.  It's the foot I use for the foot pedal at work as well, so that might have helped keep it from healing all the way.  Quite a few of my coworkers have foot, ankle, and hip injuries from using the foot pedal.

I had had an x-ray about 2 weeks after the injury happened and it showed soft tissue swelling but no breaks and all the doctors assured me it would get better - here have some vicodin (which didn't help, by the way).

And so it continued until about a month ago when I got up in the morning and couldn't put any weight on my foot.  I tried resting and wrapping it with an Ace bandage and icing it, but it didn't get better.  I would suck it up and push through to do what I needed to do or wanted to do (cause that was about when Gramma was visiting) and then cry when I could sit down again.  At Robert's and Gramma's suggestion, I put on Robert's walking boot that he had from when he broke his ankle and was able to walk again.

I hate the boot though.  It's heavy and awkward and hot. It throws my balance off - which I didn't have the best balance before - and makes me more clumsy. I've run into walls (not face first, I'm like pin-balling off walls occasionally) and the other day I stepped on my other foot. How? I have no idea.  I've tried to be careful, but I've nearly gotten Yoda and Leia who like to lay down directly behind me when I'm in the kitchen, and Timmy who is all black and still insists on laying in the middle of the hallway in the middle of the night and you can't see him, and I kind of kicked Carus with it the other day (oops). Also, I can't drive with it on. I don't want Robert to drive me around most of the time because either I'm waiting for him to go somewhere or I have to listen to him whining about me hurrying up (grocery shopping). Sometimes I make him drive me and sometimes I take the boot off, drive myself where I need to go, and put the boot back on.  Driving doesn't hurt (which weird?).

The doctor didn't assure me it would get better and throw more pills at me this time.  I think the boot made it really clear how much it hurt to walk on it and she ordered an MRI thinking perhaps I had little bitty stress fractures that don't always show up on x-rays and I could be rebreaking over and over.

I don't.  The MRI showed that I have posterior ankle impingement (That link is a Google search if you want to read up on it.) and that I have an os trigonum which usually isn't much of a problem except that one of the bones of the ankle that is supposed to fuse before or in adolescence (between the ages of 8-11) didn't fuse in my ankle.  Which is a rare common anomaly (meaning that it happens and doesn't cause a bunch of problems so it's considered normal) occurring in less than 7% of all adults.  My doctor actually sounded excited telling me about this because she had to do some research on it before calling.  It was like, "this is so awesome! I learned something new!" which is adorable. And she referred me to a specialist since she wasn't sure what else could be done beyond rest and ice and medication for pain.  The foot has a LOT OF ANATOMY, YO!

Yesterday, I went to see a podiatrist.  We really like this guy. We've seen him before for Adam's ingrown toenail removal.  He's funny and informative.  He takes the time to answer your questions and explains things very well, all while making you laugh.  When he first came into the room, he introduced himself, shook our hands and then turned to me conspiratorially and asked if I knew this guy while pointing to Robert. He diagnosed me with plantar fasciitis and recommended orthotics for my shoes, no more barefoot walking, stretches and exercises, and a steroidal cortisone shot. The first three things were easy; the shot was not.  It wasn't bad - my anxiety over how much it was going to hurt was worse.  It did hurt; it's a shot, but it wasn't the worse shot I've had. He injected it in my heel near the arch of my foot. When he finished he asked if it hurt, I said yes and he said, "I didn't feel a thing."

Last night, all was fine and well with the shot - until I got really really hot. Robert said it was the medicine in the shot - he has had 5 of these shots in his spine and SI joint in the past month or so - and I wanted to cry (but that could be hormones or September or stress or I'm just a big baby). I slept last night like I had a fever I was trying to break.  Even with a fan on me all night I was roasting.  This morning is better, I think. At least I'm not overheating.  I have the boot on again - with an orthotic in it - and while it's not 100% better, I think it is a little improved.

So yeah - that's where I am.  My foot still hurts. I still have to wear this stupid boot. I'm still going to complain about it, I don't care if you had to wear it longer Robert.  But hopefully this is the first step (heh, pun) to helping it get better.