One Week

We're reaching one week since we got put on "social distancing". I'm trying to cope well, but I'm struggling with anxiety about the situation. 

The kids were excited at first. Me too, really. Spring break one week early! Adam thought his finals were cancelled (he found out the next day they were put online). It was disappointing to have some events and plans coming up just cancelled but it wasn't scary.

I didn't get scared really until I went into the office on Monday. Since I work for a hospital, I'm an essential worker. I don't work directly with patients, but the reports are necessary for patient care. Essential workers work as normal. My normal is on Mondays I go into the office and then work from home the rest of the week.

Monday, it finally clicked how much I was at risk of exposure even though I don't deal directly with patients. And then I thought about how much my asthma has not been controllable in the past few years. Every spring and fall, when allergens spike, I start having one or two asthma attacks a day, even with regular inhaler use. I joke Oregon is trying to kill me, but yeah - Oregon and all its plants are trying to kill me. 

Back in November I got really really sick. It started out as a head cold and I was improving after a day and then all of the sudden it moved to my lungs and I didn't stop coughing or sleep for 5 days. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep, and I was overdosed on all the medications I could take - cough syrup, NyQuil, nebulizer and both of my inhalers, Vick's and several cough drops - and still I couldn't breathe well enough or stop coughing long enough to sleep. I would only get 15-30 minutes at a time, and none of it good sleep. Looking back, I should have gone to the hospital, but all I could think about was just getting some sleep. If I could sleep, I could get better. 

I sat in that office Monday after wiping it down with hospital grade disinfectant wipes for the third time, with hands already raw from hand washing and hand sanitizer, and I thought of how sick I was in November. Covid19 is worse. (Note - I'm not usually a hand sanitizer person. I wash hands and then just deal with 'minor' germs because good germs are killed by sanitizer and we need those in our lives.) 

Monday was when I realized I'm one of the high risk populations. That's when I realized I might not survive it. That's when I got scared. I want to be there for all the things left in my kid's lives. I have a few things left I'd like in my life. I'm not ready to die. (I mean, who is, but still...)

I'm not worried about supplies, yet. My normal shopping habits are bulk buys and I did a big shopping trip 2 days before lockdown. It was surprising when everyone else cleared shelves. It made me feel like I should be out there trying to get things too. I went yesterday for a few things and Robert went tonight for more of our usual supplies. Some things aren't available though so if we do reach the end of that supply, we'll have to try harder. We have some time though. 

I don't begrudge anyone who stocked up on toilet paper. The fear parts of their brain have decided that was an essential survival item. Just like with the bread and milk of big storms in recent years. One person's fear brain thought, "this is what I need to feel in control," and then everyone else's fear brains decided to agree. Fear can do strange things, hoarding toilet paper just happens to be this event's "thing".

Robert invited me to come with him to the store - sometimes that's our date night - real exciting huh - but I couldn't do it. I was so anxious being in the store the night before. I wanted to cry standing in the checkout line. 

Story about that: Carus and I are standing there (she was with me because we just came from the barn) and in the next lane over there's a lady with a kid in the front of the cart. Kid is around 3-4 years old. He has a ball and he's put it in his mouth. Then he drops the ball onto the ground. Mom picked it up and gave it back to him and he put it back in his mouth. Like normally I'm all, "hell yeah kid, build that immune system," but right now, fuck no. Yikes. 

I've also had a cough for 2 weeks - Robert and I got sick (I think the flu or a cold, it wasn't too bad) and everything has started blooming and now I'm having asthma attacks and constantly coughing. Carus is always amused at the looks of terror I get when I cough in public. I try not to cough, but sometimes it happens (always into my elbow, even before this shit). 

Living Through History

Okay, so a friend dusted off her blog to document life through the Corona virus experience, and I thought it was a good idea so I am too.

A lot has happened since I last wrote here, but we'll catch up later. Maybe I can get back into blogging/journalling regularly. 

I do know I need a break from anxiously scrolling through Facebook. I feel afraid I'm going to miss something important and also annoyed at selfishness. Not the toilet paper purchasers. That doesn't annoy me, nor do I find it ridiculous. It's how their brains decided to help with their fear. 

So yeah, being under orders to self isolate so we don't end up sick or in quarantine. This shit is weird. 

Carus's senior year has essentially ended early. We're currently closed until April 28th, and she would only go out school until June 2nd or 3rd with graduation on the 6th, so now what? She's worried they won't let her graduate, but they will. There's no way they're going to hold back hundreds of kids who all have plans for the fall because of this. (Knock on wood cause it's not like we saw this coming!) Her driving test got cancelled too which has her mad. She had to wait almost two months for it and now who knows how long it will take to get scheduled. 

Adam was able to finish his current term at Portland State; well, after he finishes his finals this week that they were able to put online he'll be done. He's probably not going to do the next term unless they put them all online for the same price as in person because online classes cost more and we don't have that. Otherwise the expectation is that he returns in the fall. This will extend him into a fifth year at college. He finally decided on a major, btw. Well, he did; it might be changing slightly. I think we're with Computer Science right now. I still think he'd be a good teacher. The random facts the dude knows, I'm telling ya. 

Robert is one that has to go in to work at Intel; can't do his fab job at home. But he's cleaning shared areas and scrubbing hands and they're limiting how close you can be. I don't think he's worried about catching it. He's been bringing home some bad colds this season though so... ???Although, apparently no one cleaned shared desk spaces before this!!! Uuughh. They sure are now! I'm not sure if I'm worried he'll be exposed at work or not. 

I went in to the hospital for my on-site shift on Monday. Then I realized how close patients who are potentially sick are to that office and proceeded to freak the fuck out to myself all day. My hands quickly became raw from extra scrubbing and hand sanitizer. My asthma has been really bad the past few years, especially during the spring allergy season when I can barely control it (I think it's the hazelnut trees). I've been coughing for 2 weeks now - I did catch a cold/flu about 2 weeks ago, but now I think it's just allergies. If I can't handle pollen, I surely can't handle this disease. Anyways, I've decided to not go in to the office until this is over. I can't bring myself to risk it. At first I thought I'd be okay if I caught it as I'm fairly healthy (except my weight) but as we've heard more about the symptoms and the risks I've re-evaluated. 

Or my anxiety is getting the best of me. 

I'll know in 6 months to a year. Heh. 

We've been keeping Carus's horse/donkey lessons. It's nice having that routine and the fresh air and movement. We went to Heather's for donkey time today and it was seriously so peaceful. Even while we were talking about how weird this whole thing feels, it was peaceful. Heather compared it to that uncertain time post 9/11 where we were in shock that something bad could reach us on our little American safety bubble. That feeling we had then. And it is. It's very close to that. Post 9/11, we knew, at least, we were going to war because we needed to respond. You can't go to war against a virus though. Unless our going to war is staying home? Then we looked at the piglets Heather had and watched vaccinations being given. Carus even helped with catching and holding them. She might end up showing Heather's show pig, Victoria Secret, (not one of the piglets though they are also show pigs and not eating pigs) at Fair this year. That's dependent on what's involved in her showing a pig at Fair, whether we have Fair (fingers crossed cause I love it dammit), and if Heather doesn't regret suggesting it in the spur of the moment. Ha! 

I saw a story today with a video of Italians that were asked to share what they would tell themselves 10 days ago, before their outbreak got bad. Our outbreak is just starting. It was a good little video with some sobering advice, much reassurances, and a few laughs. "Play the guitar. Well, learn to play the guitar because you currently suck." I thought it was a good idea though. I turned on my video tonight and recorded us with what we would say to ourselves 10 days ago and/or 10 days from now. We didn't have much yet. I'll do a few more here and there. Maybe in 2 days, or 5. Just for us/myself, I don't think I'll share them. 

What do you think you would say to you from 10 days ago? Or 10 days from now?

Oregon in the Fall

I really do love Oregon in the Fall. 

All photos taken on a friend's property.

Life keeps happening

I keep feeling like things will slow down next week or next month; and then next week or next month arrives and everything is just as crazy and busy as it was before. 

Or it feels more crazy and busy than it really is and I'm just losing my marbles. I don't know anymore.

The horse that Carus started the 4H year with, Caly, didn't work out.  They weren't connecting and it just became a battle of wills between a young horse and a frustrated kid. We were sad as Caly is a sweet horse that Carus did enjoy riding, but it's not fair for her or Carus to keep trying where it wasn't working. 

Also, I had incredible amounts of anxiety over quitting too early.  I do not like to "give up" even if it's in my best interest and I'm more realistically just moving on.

We asked around a little and quickly got a few geldings to try (Carus insists that she can connect to geldings better cause mares be crazy).  

Introducing (sort of):  New lease horse, Chester.  (This is totally old news if you're on Facebook.)

So far Chester is working out great.  If you ask Carus how it's going you will get no words, but instead some excited squealing while she clutches her hands to her face and/or bounces up and down.

She hearts Chester.  

She's still finding school tough to navigate this year; mostly the 2 AP classes and 2 honors classes have her feeling a bit stretched thin, on top of the emotional lows of losing Scout.

My washer motor broke a few weeks ago.  The direct drive motor is not supposed to break EVER but yeah mine did.  Thankfully I have a handy husband who was able to get the parts ordered despite the customer service reps saying "yeah, no the motor can't break it's not the motor" and then got them installed. I was only without a washer for a week.  Surprisingly...not surprisingly?  I was anxious about not being able to do laundry for a week. Cause I'm a weirdo. Or I have issues.  Both?

The master bath is still not done.  We had to save up to purchase the vanity and then we decided the shower stall was beyond cleaning up so we had to search for new glass walls and doors that would fit our the insert which took forever.  Since the new floor was already in we were not replacing the whole thing.  Then, the granite counter top we like is now out of stock.  We found a new supplier so now just saving up a bit more so we can order because it's more expensive than the first one was.  (And yes, all of the we's in that above paragraph refer to Robert. He's doing all the leg work and hard work. I'm in charge of painting.)

Adam is now coming up on the end of his second semester of college and seems like he's floating along.  He is still doing a general transfer degree with plans to transfer to a 4 year college at the end of 2 years of community college and still isn't sure what the end goal is. Occasionally I panic for him and start worrying that he hasn't figured it out yet. 

Goodbye Yoda Pug

We lost Yoda this week.

He had a seizure back in December and we wondered if maybe he had been having them for awhile and we didn't see them. The sudden muscle weakness, especially in his back legs happened a few times this past year and we just thought it was related to the known degenerative disc disease he had in his spine. He was weak for about an hour and then he was running around barking with the big dogs and being his normal self. He's getting older, seizures in old dogs do not mean good things, and he was fine so I left it as that.

Monday night/Tuesday early morning, he had a couple seizures. They woke me and I held him through two and I think I woke too late to hold him through a third.  Seizures are hard to watch and with them coming in a cluster, I knew it was time. I woke the kids and let them say their goodbyes. Carus was mad that we didn't warn her about Timmy so I wanted to be sure to warn her as much as I could about Yoda.  Yoda then got to go bye-byes to take Carus to school - one of his favorite things.

The vet was awesome. I called for an appointment and they said whenever I could make it in. They reassured me that seizures that start in old dogs mean bad things like blood clots or tumors and prognosis is poor; I was making the right decision. While I was waiting for them to return with the medication, he had another smaller seizure. They had me to tell them stories about puggy while I held him. He was breathing like he was in pain and it slowly stopped.

When we got him, we showed up to a house in NE Portland to pick him up and there were like 40 pugs in that house. I felt guilty for supporting that type of breeder, but I wanted my puggy at that point.  We grabbed our puppy and ran. 

He was the teeniest thing! And was so terrified for like 3 days. Carus was crawling around on the floor and he started playing chase with her and that was the first time he hadn't been scared. 

He loved the beach, especially the run to someone game. He always ran the fastest to me.

He was happiest when he knew where I was. He would follow me anywhere, and wait by doors and windows for me to return.  He slept at my feet for years, and then his back problems made it painful for him to get up and down off the bed. He would hurt himself badly jumping down so he wasn't allowed up anymore. He'd still ask.  He had a bed beside me and one at my feet under my desk for when I worked.

He was so determined to follow me everywhere, that he followed me mowing the lawn the spring we moved into our house and the grass was super long and so freshly cut that he was green half way up his body.

He used to do hand stands when hiking his leg to pee...

He peed on a computer tower Robert had opened up for repairs. That's when we decided he was old enough to be fixed.  (We delayed as pugs have trouble with surgery so I waited until he was about a year and a half old.)

He stole a stuffed caterpillar toy from Carus and loved it so much and hard that Robert spent like 6 months looking for a replacement on eBay - which he found.  Yoda loved that one too, but not as hard so it still exists.

He went by Yoda Pug, Poda Yug, Puggy, Puggers, Yoda Bug, Yoda Soda Bug, pug-pugs, puggy.

I miss my puggy so much. I knew I would, but still... 

(Below the photo links to Yoda's flickr album.)

Struggling

We lost Scout this summer.  He had been dealing with a runny nose for several months and was losing weight.  Antibiotics, expectorants, upping feed, etc - things were tried and not really helping much.  Imaging was done and a mass was seen in his sinuses.  He could have a surgery and they might not even be able to get the mass, he would have trouble with the surgery, if he survived, and because of his history of cancer, the mass was probably cancerous... the decision was made.

We took Carus out and she rode him and loved on him and the next day her and I returned. We bathed him and put flowers in his hair and had one last photo shoot with his girl. Robert helped take him to his appointment the next morning.

We ended up canceling the lease with Dusty too so we sort of lost both.

About a month or so later, we started looking at lease options and one kind of fell into our laps with someone moving into the barn we'd been at for a couple years.  They were joining our 4H group and looking for a partial lease on their horse. Their kid is junior level and they saw Carus as a senior level kid as an opportunity to put some valuable miles on and finish their horse for their kid.

We're about 3 months into that lease and it's going.... not perfectly but not a disaster. I don't know. Carus is just not connecting with this horse. She thinks she's holding back a little to keep from getting hurt and is trying not to hold back but just can't help it. I'm not connecting with her either. I don't really like her - she's not a bad horse or anything. It's just not.... something.  Something is off or different and I don't know how to fix it.

I was scrolling through pics today looking for some landscapes for Carus for her art class and got far enough back that it's just a bunch of her with Scout and Dusty and I'm just struggling.  I miss both of those horses, especially Scout, and the connection Carus had with them.

So yeah, now I'm crying because I miss those damn horses, I feel like I cannot make the right decision for Carus to allow her to participate in and do good in 4H and showing, and I am just a flipping mess...

Morality and Religion

Ever see someone claim they are acting in accordance to God's Morality and you just think, "man, that is a God I do not want to know"?

Yeah....unfortunately, me too.