24 October 2016

Going ons

I should probably update this more often so I didn't feel like I had to make a list of all that is happening.  Lots is happening, some good, some bad and some it's still to be determined good or bad...

Gah, I just looked at recent posts to see what has been said and I've got not a whole lot for a base level.  Let's just break it down into per person or subject.

Me: I'm doing well, but at the same time not well at all.  My health is fine or steady or whatever. My plantar fasciitis is still killing me most days and I'll get it doing okay then push myself to do more/exercise more because I know that if I build up a higher baseline than what I'm currently at it will be better in the long run, but then I pay for it for a few days.  Guess where I'm at in that cycle right now - the point where I want to whine and cry.

Emotionally, I'm all over the place.  I'm stressed and anxious, but don't feel like I have enough to be stressed or anxious about, which makes me feel guilty and then I get all anxious over that. So yeah, I'm in a pretty shitty spiral and doing my best to stay afloat. I don't feel like I'm juggling all my responsibilities well, but my kids are fed and loved, my pets are fed and loved, I still have a job, and everyone is wearing clean (albeit wrinkled) laundry so there's that. Work is fine, they love me and I mostly love my job, but I'm irritated as fuck over some recent unnecessary changes that make my job more difficult and don't feel like I can say anything.

Carus is doing really well with Dusty now, which has alleviated some of my anxiety about how Dusty and Carus would handle showing, but Scout might need to find a new home which is breaking my heart. I love him as much as Carus - he's basically my first horse too - and I don't want to take him from her, but if we get to the point of leasing/buying a horse for Carus to finish her 4H career with, it has to be a horse she can actually show and Scout can't show. (He is doing okay physically, so could handle some showmanship and probably some trail, but not the amount of work needed for equitation.) Enter ALL of the guilt with that situation and then multiply it by a billion.  I don't know. A lot can happen between now and when Scout needs to find a new home, but for now the prospect is debilitating.

Speaking of Carus, now an actual update on her and not just my anxieties about her.  Carus is doing well.  She's adjusting to high school extremely well and is doing okay in classes (there has been some confusion on how the teacher wants answers formulated that have affected her grades).  Socially she is focusing on friends and making good friends and ignoring the bad friends and those that talk crap.  I think her self-confidence has helped this aspect immensely and I'm glad that all the steps I've taken to help her there have done their job. She's excited to turn 15 and get her permit so she can learn to drive, like now.  She's excited for shows this year and is ready to get Dusty in the show ring. I'm very proud of all the hard work she's put in on herself.

My anxieties about Adam have dulled... at least until we get closer to graduation and looking at going to college stuff. So for like 5 minutes? And I'll probably end up hyperventilating in a ball in the corner when he gets his license and takes his car for a drive all by himself. Shit, I'm almost there just typing that out. See above - RE: I'm a mess.

Adam is skating through his senior year, though he'd probably tell you otherwise because he is busy and doesn't have as much downtime as he'd probably like.  He only has to get 2 credits to graduate but he's taking a full day of classes.  He's taking two different culinary classes as well as band and astronomy "for fun".  I think his physics class counts as a credit, but to him it's still "for fun".  His senior project is about managing a play; the first play of the school's play year - High School Musical - and that has been keeping him busy and not really working much.  He's averaging about 20 hours a week for work which is enough for his car payment and insurance.  Now for him to just get his license; he just has to schedule a time (there's a waiting period).  The other night he realized that he's an adult and doesn't need permission to get a tattoo or buy lottery tickets and thought that was fun; and he just got his first ballot in the mail. Woohoo adulthood - which shit head politician should be president?

Robert is working now.  He finally got released from medical for his back injury and was able to get a job and has found one that he can do without causing too much pain which PHEW because I don't need that added worry back in.  He'd tell me that I don't have to worry cause it's his back, but that's not how it works.  He's looking into surgery to fuse those discs that are bulging in the near-ish future.  Approvals need to be sent and received and steps taken to get there. I'm also worried about that.  At least I have a theme for my life right now - worry and anxiety all day long with a side of bonus anxiety for those extra worrying times. For now, he's dealing while working a lot; he works 12 hour shifts 3 days one week and 4 days the next though right now it's just 4 days a week as there is a ton of over-time available.

Blargh. This post feels weird, but it's what I got for now.

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