Pages

24 March 2020

10 days

We heard the evening of Thursday, March 12, 2020. Schools were closing for the rest of the month. An extra week of spring break, to practice social distancing and self isolation, to help slow or stop the spread of Covid19. Oregon had one known case at that point. (Or maybe 2?)

Friday, March 13, 2020 was the start.

After one week, more businesses were closed. A bigger push for social distancing was called for, and the weekend at the start of spring break gave us gorgeous weather, a bunch of people who had been off work/working from home for a week with kids anxious and with built up energy, and beaches calling their names. The crowds of people at popular spots caused a shelter in place order Monday, March 23, 2020. No one out that doesn't need to be out.

It's been 10 days. (Technically 11 as it's now Tuesday but whatever.)

I'm not doing good today. I'm very angry and very sad. 

And I'm very fucking scared.

20 March 2020

One Week

We're reaching one week since we got put on "social distancing". I'm trying to cope well, but I'm struggling with anxiety about the situation. 

The kids were excited at first. Me too, really. Spring break one week early! Adam thought his finals were cancelled (he found out the next day they were put online). It was disappointing to have some events and plans coming up just cancelled but it wasn't scary.

I didn't get scared really until I went into the office on Monday. Since I work for a hospital, I'm an essential worker. I don't work directly with patients, but the reports are necessary for patient care. Essential workers work as normal. My normal is on Mondays I go into the office and then work from home the rest of the week.

Monday, it finally clicked how much I was at risk of exposure even though I don't deal directly with patients. And then I thought about how much my asthma has not been controllable in the past few years. Every spring and fall, when allergens spike, I start having one or two asthma attacks a day, even with regular inhaler use. I joke Oregon is trying to kill me, but yeah - Oregon and all its plants are trying to kill me. 

Back in November I got really really sick. It started out as a head cold and I was improving after a day and then all of the sudden it moved to my lungs and I didn't stop coughing or sleep for 5 days. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep, and I was overdosed on all the medications I could take - cough syrup, NyQuil, nebulizer and both of my inhalers, Vick's and several cough drops - and still I couldn't breathe well enough or stop coughing long enough to sleep. I would only get 15-30 minutes at a time, and none of it good sleep. Looking back, I should have gone to the hospital, but all I could think about was just getting some sleep. If I could sleep, I could get better. 

I sat in that office Monday after wiping it down with hospital grade disinfectant wipes for the third time, with hands already raw from hand washing and hand sanitizer, and I thought of how sick I was in November. Covid19 is worse. (Note - I'm not usually a hand sanitizer person. I wash hands and then just deal with 'minor' germs because good germs are killed by sanitizer and we need those in our lives.) 

Monday was when I realized I'm one of the high risk populations. That's when I realized I might not survive it. That's when I got scared. I want to be there for all the things left in my kid's lives. I have a few things left I'd like in my life. I'm not ready to die. (I mean, who is, but still...)

I'm not worried about supplies, yet. My normal shopping habits are bulk buys and I did a big shopping trip 2 days before lockdown. It was surprising when everyone else cleared shelves. It made me feel like I should be out there trying to get things too. I went yesterday for a few things and Robert went tonight for more of our usual supplies. Some things aren't available though so if we do reach the end of that supply, we'll have to try harder. We have some time though. 

I don't begrudge anyone who stocked up on toilet paper. The fear parts of their brain have decided that was an essential survival item. Just like with the bread and milk of big storms in recent years. One person's fear brain thought, "this is what I need to feel in control," and then everyone else's fear brains decided to agree. Fear can do strange things, hoarding toilet paper just happens to be this event's "thing".

Robert invited me to come with him to the store - sometimes that's our date night - real exciting huh - but I couldn't do it. I was so anxious being in the store the night before. I wanted to cry standing in the checkout line. 

Story about that: Carus and I are standing there (she was with me because we just came from the barn) and in the next lane over there's a lady with a kid in the front of the cart. Kid is around 3-4 years old. He has a ball and he's put it in his mouth. Then he drops the ball onto the ground. Mom picked it up and gave it back to him and he put it back in his mouth. Like normally I'm all, "hell yeah kid, build that immune system," but right now, fuck no. Yikes. 

I've also had a cough for 2 weeks - Robert and I got sick (I think the flu or a cold, it wasn't too bad) and everything has started blooming and now I'm having asthma attacks and constantly coughing. Carus is always amused at the looks of terror I get when I cough in public. I try not to cough, but sometimes it happens (always into my elbow, even before this shit). 

17 March 2020

Living Through History

Okay, so a friend dusted off her blog to document life through the Corona virus experience, and I thought it was a good idea so I am too.

A lot has happened since I last wrote here, but we'll catch up later. Maybe I can get back into blogging/journalling regularly. 

I do know I need a break from anxiously scrolling through Facebook. I feel afraid I'm going to miss something important and also annoyed at selfishness. Not the toilet paper purchasers. That doesn't annoy me, nor do I find it ridiculous. It's how their brains decided to help with their fear. 

So yeah, being under orders to self isolate so we don't end up sick or in quarantine. This shit is weird. 

Carus's senior year has essentially ended early. We're currently closed until April 28th, and she would only go out school until June 2nd or 3rd with graduation on the 6th, so now what? She's worried they won't let her graduate, but they will. There's no way they're going to hold back hundreds of kids who all have plans for the fall because of this. (Knock on wood cause it's not like we saw this coming!) Her driving test got cancelled too which has her mad. She had to wait almost two months for it and now who knows how long it will take to get scheduled. 

Adam was able to finish his current term at Portland State; well, after he finishes his finals this week that they were able to put online he'll be done. He's probably not going to do the next term unless they put them all online for the same price as in person because online classes cost more and we don't have that. Otherwise the expectation is that he returns in the fall. This will extend him into a fifth year at college. He finally decided on a major, btw. Well, he did; it might be changing slightly. I think we're with Computer Science right now. I still think he'd be a good teacher. The random facts the dude knows, I'm telling ya. 

Robert is one that has to go in to work at Intel; can't do his fab job at home. But he's cleaning shared areas and scrubbing hands and they're limiting how close you can be. I don't think he's worried about catching it. He's been bringing home some bad colds this season though so... ???Although, apparently no one cleaned shared desk spaces before this!!! Uuughh. They sure are now! I'm not sure if I'm worried he'll be exposed at work or not. 

I went in to the hospital for my on-site shift on Monday. Then I realized how close patients who are potentially sick are to that office and proceeded to freak the fuck out to myself all day. My hands quickly became raw from extra scrubbing and hand sanitizer. My asthma has been really bad the past few years, especially during the spring allergy season when I can barely control it (I think it's the hazelnut trees). I've been coughing for 2 weeks now - I did catch a cold/flu about 2 weeks ago, but now I think it's just allergies. If I can't handle pollen, I surely can't handle this disease. Anyways, I've decided to not go in to the office until this is over. I can't bring myself to risk it. At first I thought I'd be okay if I caught it as I'm fairly healthy (except my weight) but as we've heard more about the symptoms and the risks I've re-evaluated. 

Or my anxiety is getting the best of me. 

I'll know in 6 months to a year. Heh. 

We've been keeping Carus's horse/donkey lessons. It's nice having that routine and the fresh air and movement. We went to Heather's for donkey time today and it was seriously so peaceful. Even while we were talking about how weird this whole thing feels, it was peaceful. Heather compared it to that uncertain time post 9/11 where we were in shock that something bad could reach us on our little American safety bubble. That feeling we had then. And it is. It's very close to that. Post 9/11, we knew, at least, we were going to war because we needed to respond. You can't go to war against a virus though. Unless our going to war is staying home? Then we looked at the piglets Heather had and watched vaccinations being given. Carus even helped with catching and holding them. She might end up showing Heather's show pig, Victoria Secret, (not one of the piglets though they are also show pigs and not eating pigs) at Fair this year. That's dependent on what's involved in her showing a pig at Fair, whether we have Fair (fingers crossed cause I love it dammit), and if Heather doesn't regret suggesting it in the spur of the moment. Ha! 

I saw a story today with a video of Italians that were asked to share what they would tell themselves 10 days ago, before their outbreak got bad. Our outbreak is just starting. It was a good little video with some sobering advice, much reassurances, and a few laughs. "Play the guitar. Well, learn to play the guitar because you currently suck." I thought it was a good idea though. I turned on my video tonight and recorded us with what we would say to ourselves 10 days ago and/or 10 days from now. We didn't have much yet. I'll do a few more here and there. Maybe in 2 days, or 5. Just for us/myself, I don't think I'll share them. 

What do you think you would say to you from 10 days ago? Or 10 days from now?

Blog Archive

Popular Posts

background

a