One Week

We're reaching one week since we got put on "social distancing". I'm trying to cope well, but I'm struggling with anxiety about the situation. 

The kids were excited at first. Me too, really. Spring break one week early! Adam thought his finals were cancelled (he found out the next day they were put online). It was disappointing to have some events and plans coming up just cancelled but it wasn't scary.

I didn't get scared really until I went into the office on Monday. Since I work for a hospital, I'm an essential worker. I don't work directly with patients, but the reports are necessary for patient care. Essential workers work as normal. My normal is on Mondays I go into the office and then work from home the rest of the week.

Monday, it finally clicked how much I was at risk of exposure even though I don't deal directly with patients. And then I thought about how much my asthma has not been controllable in the past few years. Every spring and fall, when allergens spike, I start having one or two asthma attacks a day, even with regular inhaler use. I joke Oregon is trying to kill me, but yeah - Oregon and all its plants are trying to kill me. 

Back in November I got really really sick. It started out as a head cold and I was improving after a day and then all of the sudden it moved to my lungs and I didn't stop coughing or sleep for 5 days. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep, and I was overdosed on all the medications I could take - cough syrup, NyQuil, nebulizer and both of my inhalers, Vick's and several cough drops - and still I couldn't breathe well enough or stop coughing long enough to sleep. I would only get 15-30 minutes at a time, and none of it good sleep. Looking back, I should have gone to the hospital, but all I could think about was just getting some sleep. If I could sleep, I could get better. 

I sat in that office Monday after wiping it down with hospital grade disinfectant wipes for the third time, with hands already raw from hand washing and hand sanitizer, and I thought of how sick I was in November. Covid19 is worse. (Note - I'm not usually a hand sanitizer person. I wash hands and then just deal with 'minor' germs because good germs are killed by sanitizer and we need those in our lives.) 

Monday was when I realized I'm one of the high risk populations. That's when I realized I might not survive it. That's when I got scared. I want to be there for all the things left in my kid's lives. I have a few things left I'd like in my life. I'm not ready to die. (I mean, who is, but still...)

I'm not worried about supplies, yet. My normal shopping habits are bulk buys and I did a big shopping trip 2 days before lockdown. It was surprising when everyone else cleared shelves. It made me feel like I should be out there trying to get things too. I went yesterday for a few things and Robert went tonight for more of our usual supplies. Some things aren't available though so if we do reach the end of that supply, we'll have to try harder. We have some time though. 

I don't begrudge anyone who stocked up on toilet paper. The fear parts of their brain have decided that was an essential survival item. Just like with the bread and milk of big storms in recent years. One person's fear brain thought, "this is what I need to feel in control," and then everyone else's fear brains decided to agree. Fear can do strange things, hoarding toilet paper just happens to be this event's "thing".

Robert invited me to come with him to the store - sometimes that's our date night - real exciting huh - but I couldn't do it. I was so anxious being in the store the night before. I wanted to cry standing in the checkout line. 

Story about that: Carus and I are standing there (she was with me because we just came from the barn) and in the next lane over there's a lady with a kid in the front of the cart. Kid is around 3-4 years old. He has a ball and he's put it in his mouth. Then he drops the ball onto the ground. Mom picked it up and gave it back to him and he put it back in his mouth. Like normally I'm all, "hell yeah kid, build that immune system," but right now, fuck no. Yikes. 

I've also had a cough for 2 weeks - Robert and I got sick (I think the flu or a cold, it wasn't too bad) and everything has started blooming and now I'm having asthma attacks and constantly coughing. Carus is always amused at the looks of terror I get when I cough in public. I try not to cough, but sometimes it happens (always into my elbow, even before this shit).