365 of 2021, days 9-18

I didn't really intend to go as long as I did before an update, it sort of just happened.  (Cell phone shots are marked with an asterisk.)

 

1/9/2021

This is my Angelfish, Two-face.

The other side of him is yellow/white, which is why I named him Two-face.  

Fish are surprisingly hard to photograph. They're much prettier in person. 

1/10/2021

Two of my four ghost catfish (or glass catfish). I purchased them as ghost but a lot of online sources call them glass.  It was also fitting that I got them in October. They shimmer when the light hits them just right and they're pretty cool looking. They're whiskers move all over when looking for food - they'll tap along the ground independently.

1/11/2021

The other side of Two-face.  

He's hunting for shrimp pellets. Or more babies. I got three baby Ember Tetras before I got the Angelfish, and I saw a new one about a month after I got them - but haven't seen any since. Pretty sure the Angels are eating the eggs/fry. Which is annoying. 

1/12/2021*

Watching Carus and Chester, which is common.  

This turned out to be a not great ride. We had a storm coming in that evening and it started to hit not long after she got in the saddle. The wind and rain was hitting the roof and the tarped side quite a bit and was making some weird/scary sounds.  Chester spooked a bit so she got off and went back to practicing showmanship as it's easier to reassure him from the ground.  Then he really spooked and she gave up. I had him calmly stand in a few of the scarier spots while we gave him loves and reassurance and then he got dinner and a bunch of cookies for being a good boy.  He's done well with losing his sight, but days like this are harder. 

1/13/2021*

The aftermath of that storm.  We lost power for a few minutes. Others lost it for hours/days. Some trees fell around the area - no injuries that I heard of though - and there was a ton of flooding.  The main road that we take to the barn has been closed for months as they rebuild the bridge, though it would have been closed for flooding anyways.  This was the next road to take - also closed for flooding. We ended up having to take the long way to the barn, and then in an attempt to go into town after leaving and not having to go the same long way back we tried another road. I should have gotten a photo of that one - we got stuck. There were cars and trucks going through without a problem, but Carus's small car definitely would not have made it.  She stopped and said nope. Then we had to figure out how to get turned around with cars behind us.  A few guys in trucks helped direct her back, into the other lane, and back some more before we cleared the line of trucks that could make it through and we could turn around. Her inexperience driving was very good here - I might have risked driving through with all the others doing okay and might have landed us in a bad situation - not completely sure what I would have done if I was driving and my car is bigger and higher up than hers too so maybe. Hopefully I don't get the chance to find out! (Although this will stick with me too and would affect my choices in the future - heh.) Carus did good. 

1/14/2021

After the storm went through we had a couple days of drier weather and clear skies which allows the sunsets to be gorgeous. Bright beautiful oranges, pinks, and reds and it's always good when I'm already outside and at the barn. Much clearer views of the lovely show. 

1/15/2021*

Just Chewie being a dork.  He was rolling around and making noise behind me as I fiddled with the DVD player - and then just froze like this and sat there for a few minutes.  He's such an adorable dork. 

1/16/2021

A current crafting project - a show shirt for Carus. 

I've wanted to make her one to rival the super flashy ones we see for sale all the time (hundreds to thousands of dollars!!) and finally figured out a path to go - there are so many designs and colors to do. 

I bought a plain black show jacket. Then we found a lovely lace flower fabric that I've cut the flowers out of and sewn them on in a pattern. I've been sewing beads onto the flowers, some shiny metallic thread, and was gluing some rhinestones on when I found out about an affordable hotfix applicator on Amazon from a crafting group. Both glues work and are creating strong bonds - but I think the hotfix ones are stronger bonds.  It's so shiny! 

1

1/17/2021*

I figured with trying to enjoy things I used to enjoy again I should maybe work on my hue shift afghan again. Maybe I'll finish it finally... 

I'm still working on the first quarter, but that's getting very close.  

I didn't get far - found I had a mistake and couldn't figure out where so I had to completely undo the square that was on the needles and start over.

1/18/2021*

Just Chewie cuddled up next to me on the couch while I edit this batch of photos.  

Bonus shot from 1/10/2021

I may not be getting any baby Ember Tetras - but I have a baby shrimp! 

I had two crystal black shrimp (Bert and Ernie), but lost one after getting the Angels. They may not be responsible for my missing shrimp and a lack of new Tetra fry, but it is definitely suspicious.  

I also had a cherry shrimp (Cherry), blue shrimp (Blueberry), yellow shrimp (Lemon), and a clear and blue shrimp (Mystery). 

The clear and blue one (Mystery) is also gone now and I rarely see the remaining crystal black one (Ernie), but I do now have this guy! They're completely clear from what I can tell and mostly hang out under the big rock. I believe Cherry is the momma as they've looked quite chunky a few times but not 100% on that.  

365 of 2021, days 1-8

I missed doing the photo a day, 365 challenge, that I was doing a few years ago, and I'm struggling with finding joy in a lot of things I used to enjoy doing. I'm trying to find it again and I'm going to attempt to do a 365 this year. 

I'm posting here - and I'll probably end up making an album on Facebook as a way to hold myself accountable.  I don't want to make it into something that creates anxiety for me, but I do want some accountability.  I also want to try to use my actual camera more often than just my cell phone.  That's a conscious effort to set aside 10ish minutes to pick up the camera, or plan to pick it up, while my cell is with me everywhere.  And this first share is heavy on the cell shots. (I'll mark them with an asterisk.)

1/1/2021

Needles from some young Douglas fir trees we have in pots in the backyard. 

1/2/2021

Fredrick, the Angelfish, in front of hornwort plant in my 55 gallon tank.  

1/3/2021*

I'm receiving Round 1 of the Moderna coronavirus vaccination.  

I was worried it would burn like the last shot I had to get (MMR booster which BURNED), but it didn't burn at all. My arm at the injection site was sore for about 2 days - mostly the first 24 hours. I'm a baby about pain and it was not bad at all.  

No other symptoms or side effects. 

Round 2 will be scheduled in a few weeks. 

(I was lucky and qualified for one of the first phases of vaccinations through my work. I may not be frontline, but our job is still important to ensuring quality patient care.)

1/4/2021 *

Photo was taken by Carus.  

It was near the end of my lesson with our friend, Martha, on Chester.  I've been trying to have more regular lessons now that Carus has graduated and is out of 4H - I don't feel like I'm messing up his training for her.  (I know I wouldn't have, but part of my mom guilt or anxiety.) 

Lessons have been going good. I feel like I'm improving steadily - and I'm trying not to be embarrassed that I still can't ride this far into our horse journey. 

(No one goes near each other and we're outside so pandemic safe activity. Also all common surfaces get disinfected by everyone after they touch them. )

1/5/2021 *

Robert and I went over to a friend's farm (Heather and Justin) to discuss a woodworking project or two he has in mind and then chatted for a bit.  No one went near others - they're fairly quarantined on their farm, we're fairly quarantined in our life/home and we were mostly outside (the shop is open). 

While chatting we got to watch their dogs play, and the super adorable Great Dane puppy, Emme, would run and slide on the concrete back and forth, back and forth. And then try to pick a fight with Dally (the cattle dog).  Tuff (the pit mix) played his role of good big brother and got as much pets as possible. 

Bailey recognized my voice and called for me - I did stop and say hi - I think we all miss each other now that we're not out there every week for Carus to practicing driving Bailey. 

1/6/2021 *

I went out to help with turn in and PM chores, and got soaked.  I hate mud season. 

I can't decide if Chester minds it or loves it.  He's always covered in mud because they roll in it all the time, but he also looks miserable when it's storming badly.  And it feels like that's all it's doing lately - just constant rain.  Especially when it's time to do barn chores. It can be nice weather all day and the second we have to be outside, STORM.  

1/7/2021

All my Christmas ornaments off the tree and ready to be organized and put away.  

I usually get Christmas put away on the 1st but this year I worked so it got delayed until I was off again and could dedicate a couple hours.  

1/8/2021

Dinner tonight - Garlic rice pilaf, steamed broccoli, and honey garlic chicken. 

I don't know how to take food photos... maybe that will improve this year...

Justice and Integrity

Each month our team has a meeting and we all take turns sharing a reflection before the meeting - something to consider, sometimes a prayer. This month was mine (sort of fitting for my birthday month - heh).

I wanted to share here too.

Providence has five core values that we are to be used in all we do. Compassion, justice, integrity, dignity, and excellence.

My Reflection for June 2020

Justice and Integrity

Justice
Act with justice, love with kindness and walk humbly with your God. –Micah 6:8
We foster a culture that promotes unity and reconciliation. We strive to care wisely for our people, our resources and our earth. We stand in solidarity with the most vulnerable, working to remove the causes of oppression and promoting justice for all.

Integrity
Let us love not merely with words or speech but with actions in truth. –1 John 3:18
We hold ourselves accountable to do the right things for the right reasons. We speak the truth with courage and respect. We pursue authenticity with humility and simplicity.

When I was looking for a reflection this morning I knew I wanted to focus on Justice as I feel that that value is very important right now. When looking at the list of our values, Integrity popped out at me and it felt they go hand in hand. If you do not have integrity in your actions, you cannot walk the path towards justice.

Justice has been important to me for my whole life. I have felt the need and desire for Justice many times growing up and as an adult. I’ve had to release that need for justice though, a few times. That need occasionally pops back up and I have to release it again because I’m too afraid of the path I’d have to walk to get that justice.

I feel our world is strongly calling for justice right now.

We’ve released justice a few times, afraid of the path we’d have to walk, unable to find all of our integrity needed for the strength and perseverance. But justice keeps catching us back up.

Are we brave enough to walk the path with justice now?
Have we found our integrity strong enough for the path?

I also found a prayer that spoke to me towards justice from a Catholic Charities organization online.

In hope that the arc of history bends toward justice, we lift up our prayers for racial healing, saying: Bind us together, O God of love.

For the Church, that its prophetic voice may proclaim to all the challenge to break the hopeless cycles of poverty, ignorance, prejudice, and despair which degrade the sacred dignity of humankind, we pray:

For our country, that we might celebrate our racial diversity and the distinctive and rich contributions of every fiber of our cultural fabric, we pray:

For wise and decisive action on the part of local and national leaders, that the scandal of racism may be eradicated from our society, we pray:

For an end to the subtle racism of economic oppression which permeates our society’s structures and resides in many hearts, we pray:

For our faith communities, that they may not succumb to indifference or accept the status quo, but press on for fundamental change, we pray:

For the victims of racial discrimination, that they may be filled with hope for a more just future, healing from wounds received, courage to advocate for change and for peace, and the grace to overcome hated with love, we pray:

For those who work for racial justice, that they may be sustained in hope, empowered with courage, and filled with the grace to persevere in love, we pray:

Amen.

(Prayer found here: https://www.catholiccharitiesusa.org/)

One month

Friday, March 13, 2020 started social distancing/quarantine - whichever you want to say.  It's technically social distancing but everyone has started calling it quarantine. Including me.  Not technically a full quarantine, but enough I suppose.

Today is Wednesday, April 15, 2020.  One month (and two days).

I've had to do another big shopping trip. I could have put it off longer, but for what I wanted to make I was out of some ingredients for, so off I went in my homemade mask which fit better than the ones Robert found in the garage that he had for woodworking projects.  The CDC recommends people start wearing one in public to prevent the spread of the disease, just in case they're sick but don't yet know it. I feel it offers some protection against catching it too (even if it's so small of an amount that it doesn't really "count" - it counts enough for me).  And it definitely reminds you not to touch your face in public.

It feels weird wearing a mask in public though, even with more than half of the rest of the people out and about wearing one too.  It will probably get more common and easier with time.  I took some alcohol wipes with me to wipe my hands, purse, wallet, phone, and car afterwards and washed my hands after returning home thoroughly.

The CDC (I believe, this might just be something someone said) also recommends you wipe down your groceries with a disinfectant wipe too, but I'm not doing that.  The majority of what I buy goes into the pantry for days/long enough for the virus to die on the surface and the produce gets washed before use so I think it's enough.  Our reusable bags go into the cupboard where they're not touched again until next trip.

We still go to the barn, and Carus is having her lessons with Martha still. I'm no longer holding baby Trask for the lessons though, just in case. I couldn't bear accidentally getting a baby sick. I don't want to accidentally get anyone sick.  Carus and I covered chores last week as Jessica got sick and had to wait for her COVID19 test results to come back - negative.  Just a cold.  She works at the jail so essential worker so chance of exposure.  The barn has put out bleach spray to wipe down common areas, stall picks, wheelbarrows, and feed containers. We're all being careful, especially with Linda as she's older.  The dynamic is the same, but different just enough that it feels weird.  We paused donkey lessons after Heather was potentially exposed on a trip into Portland for work, Justin came down with a cold, and their boarder Sarah had potential exposure at work too - they put themselves on quarantine (actual quarantine) just in case.  It's now been 3 weeks and Justin is better and no one else got sick. We'll probably pick up donkey lessons again next week.

School news:
Adam's doing okay with his online classes for this semester. He goes to the video classes and does the work and is managing his schedule well.  He's having some struggles with calculus, but it's calculus so expected.  Up until he started college, he was able to just skate through school and pull As and Bs, but in college he has to try harder, sometimes a lot harder, so it's different for him.  He's still doing well and passing all of his classes, just having to work more for those grades.  He hasn't left the house since this started, except one trip grocery shopping with me for pho supplies.  We're planning on making chicken stock and canning it soon. And then maybe we'll do beef stock too.  I love that all he and his friends can easily game together online both video games and D&D.

As for Carus, she's officially a graduate.  Class of 2020.  When they canceled school for the year, they also started getting plans together for what requirements would be needed to pass the grade the kids were in.  All Seniors that were passing classes by March 13th, would pass the class without additional work.  Carus was passing. She had some outstanding work sample stuff to turn in - it was mostly done, but had to be finished and could only be done in class with the teacher - so that was marked completed. And that's it. Senior projects got fully canceled. I did say we could still do the video and save for ourselves, or share with friends and family or even with her teachers. She passes on that for now.  Graduation ceremony is still up in the air, but I'm not holding my breath.  Come out of quarantine and cram 1,000+ people into an auditorium? That's a good way to get put back into quarantine.

Still hoping though.

Pre Fair and Fair are still planning as if we'll go ahead with them. I'm more hopeful there.  End of June and end of July are a long ways off still.  Spring Classic has officially been canceled for the May dates.  It's currently being discussed if we'll move online (hard to do for Horse Bowl competition though) or if we'll postpone until September.  We'll hear more on Sunday - Julie, the coach, has started practices back up on Zoom meetings since we can't meet in person.

Robert is still working, normal schedule.  They've sent all non-essentials to work from home.  Well, except for one lady who refuses to go home and then spends all day talking quite loudly to someone else or herself and disrupting everyone. Robert is quite annoyed with her volume.  I'm quite annoyed they haven't made her go home if she isn't supposed to be there. It's just another infection vector, especially since from all she's loudly said, she is not keeping her distance from anyone and is not staying home.

My hours were cut starting April 1st. I lost an average of 12 hours per week per the schedule, but with Erin doing labor pool and Marcia calling in sick yesterday, I've gotten back some of those hours. I'm not worried - I have plenty of PTO to use to fill in the gap.  I'm actually kind of looking forward to some of the half days or completely off days I have in there. Last Friday I worked 4 hours in the evening to cover Erin's labor pool, but during the day I was off and Robert and I completely cleaned our room pulling out furniture and vacuuming and shampooing the carpets well.

I guess that's all I have to update and share. I want to be sure this time is documented, even if it's just for me. This will definitely be a blip in history that gets studied. Was the quarantine helpful or not helpful? Did our leaders handle things appropriately and timely? What was life like? Etc... we know all of those questions will be asked as they're asked for previous pandemics... Maybe my grandkids will ask me about it?  I feel this is a trauma on us and our personalities and quirks will be affected by it.  How many will hoard certain supplies for fear? Who will continue to wear masks in public even after this threat is gone? How many people will have germ based phobias - big and small? Will the conspiracy theories win out? (The most ridiculous one - COVID is spread by 5G. Like wtf?) I don't know what it will do to me yet - make me more of a homebody is my best guess. The anxiety I have of going into public and seeing people is REAL ya'll.

OOhh, I forgot to share! This is something related to the times, but not particularly this pandemic. I want this documented so that hopefully when it gets better, and I need to believe it will get better, I can look back and see how far we've come.  At the grocery stores around here, I occasionally come across some latinx people and it breaks my heart when they look at me in fear. Not always, but sometimes. It's always older people, generally a couple, and they look absolutely terrified that they might inconvenience me making me mad or something. I'm white and I'm middle aged, which makes me the demographic of those that hate them/wish them dead.  I always try to smile reassuringly, making sure my eyes show how genuine that smile is, and often that relaxes them enough to remove some of the terror from their face.  But with a mask they can't see my smile. That hurts my heart.


Oregon cumulative totals per Oregon Health Authority - 8 a.m., 4/14/2020 (yes, yesterday's numbers, but it hasn't been updated for today yet)

Positive:  1,633
Negative: 30,730
Total person tested: 32,363
Total deaths:   55

Spoke Too Soon

Yeah, I spoke too soon.

Oregon will not be returning to the classroom this year. 

No official news yet on graduation but I'm not expecting it to happen.

Sad, frustrated, angry, disappointed, and heart-broken for Carus for all those missed milestones she would have at the end of her Senior year. And for Robert and I too. We got a kid through to adulthood and they're a pretty damn decent human being. It was also our celebration. 

*Sigh*

Highs and lows. Right? 

Now in April and Still Living Through History

This Friday, April 10th, will be four weeks since we started Social Distancing measures. Or Monday the 13th, depending on how you count four weeks.

Things are starting to feel "normal". It shows how well humans adapt. The anxiety of what if has dissipated for me and it appears others are doing better too.  Or just appear to be coping better. 

We still have the end date of April 28th here in Oregon, and Oregon's numbers are doing quite well. Currently, on April 7th, our numbers are 1,181 confirmed cases and 33 deaths. I know there are some that were not able to get tested and I'm sure others who dealt with it without considering it was Covid19 and never got tested too. But still, we're doing okay. Hopefully we did enough, soon enough. 

Schools in California and Washington, and others, have decided to keep schools closed for the rest of the year. I don't think Oregon will have a decision until closer to May. I'm still hopeful for Carus's graduation at the beginning of June. She's already lost Senior prom, unless they reschedule for summer time, and Senior projects have been minimized (no presentations or displays; speeches are still on for now).

For 4H, her final prefair and fair are still on, at least for now. Her last horse bowl competition that was mid May might me postponed or cancelled; hoping for postponement more, obviously. 

She starts online school classes next week. Right now she didn't have much to do, just some supplemental tasks for no credit. She's been playing video games and doing puzzles and started crocheting a blanket. It will be her quarantine blanket. 

Adam's classes have all moved to online and he's been attending without problems. And then playing loads of video games with friends. They have a weekly standing D&D session plus just random games they play while chatting or play together. 

Adam and I have both been trying some new recipes. He made Pho and that was pretty good. We might make some beef and chicken stocks up and can it. I made sourdough cinnamon rolls and they turned out really good. 

My hours were cut at work, but I have PTO to cover for now and labor pool options for later if I want. Robert it still working as an essential worker at Intel. 

Otherwise my schedule hasn't changed much. I still go to the barn for chores a few times a week. I don't have meetings, I'm not working at the hospital, and I'm trying to make groceries last as long as possible (so far so good there).

The weather is starting to turn more gorgeous and spring has sprung. I'd love to go to the beach with my cut hours, but can't with the shelter in place orders, for good reason. 

We've had friends turn up with someone they know sick or hospitalized, and some names I recognize from local Facebook forums, but no one directly just yet. A friend did get tested as she got a cold and works at the jail so she's an essential worker; her test was negative. 

I'm feeling hopeful and comfortable in our current normal right now. It's much nicer than the extreme anxiety and fear I had the past few weeks. 

10 days

We heard the evening of Thursday, March 12, 2020. Schools were closing for the rest of the month. An extra week of spring break, to practice social distancing and self isolation, to help slow or stop the spread of Covid19. Oregon had one known case at that point. (Or maybe 2?)

Friday, March 13, 2020 was the start.

After one week, more businesses were closed. A bigger push for social distancing was called for, and the weekend at the start of spring break gave us gorgeous weather, a bunch of people who had been off work/working from home for a week with kids anxious and with built up energy, and beaches calling their names. The crowds of people at popular spots caused a shelter in place order Monday, March 23, 2020. No one out that doesn't need to be out.

It's been 10 days. (Technically 11 as it's now Tuesday but whatever.)

I'm not doing good today. I'm very angry and very sad. 

And I'm very fucking scared.

One Week

We're reaching one week since we got put on "social distancing". I'm trying to cope well, but I'm struggling with anxiety about the situation. 

The kids were excited at first. Me too, really. Spring break one week early! Adam thought his finals were cancelled (he found out the next day they were put online). It was disappointing to have some events and plans coming up just cancelled but it wasn't scary.

I didn't get scared really until I went into the office on Monday. Since I work for a hospital, I'm an essential worker. I don't work directly with patients, but the reports are necessary for patient care. Essential workers work as normal. My normal is on Mondays I go into the office and then work from home the rest of the week.

Monday, it finally clicked how much I was at risk of exposure even though I don't deal directly with patients. And then I thought about how much my asthma has not been controllable in the past few years. Every spring and fall, when allergens spike, I start having one or two asthma attacks a day, even with regular inhaler use. I joke Oregon is trying to kill me, but yeah - Oregon and all its plants are trying to kill me. 

Back in November I got really really sick. It started out as a head cold and I was improving after a day and then all of the sudden it moved to my lungs and I didn't stop coughing or sleep for 5 days. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep, and I was overdosed on all the medications I could take - cough syrup, NyQuil, nebulizer and both of my inhalers, Vick's and several cough drops - and still I couldn't breathe well enough or stop coughing long enough to sleep. I would only get 15-30 minutes at a time, and none of it good sleep. Looking back, I should have gone to the hospital, but all I could think about was just getting some sleep. If I could sleep, I could get better. 

I sat in that office Monday after wiping it down with hospital grade disinfectant wipes for the third time, with hands already raw from hand washing and hand sanitizer, and I thought of how sick I was in November. Covid19 is worse. (Note - I'm not usually a hand sanitizer person. I wash hands and then just deal with 'minor' germs because good germs are killed by sanitizer and we need those in our lives.) 

Monday was when I realized I'm one of the high risk populations. That's when I realized I might not survive it. That's when I got scared. I want to be there for all the things left in my kid's lives. I have a few things left I'd like in my life. I'm not ready to die. (I mean, who is, but still...)

I'm not worried about supplies, yet. My normal shopping habits are bulk buys and I did a big shopping trip 2 days before lockdown. It was surprising when everyone else cleared shelves. It made me feel like I should be out there trying to get things too. I went yesterday for a few things and Robert went tonight for more of our usual supplies. Some things aren't available though so if we do reach the end of that supply, we'll have to try harder. We have some time though. 

I don't begrudge anyone who stocked up on toilet paper. The fear parts of their brain have decided that was an essential survival item. Just like with the bread and milk of big storms in recent years. One person's fear brain thought, "this is what I need to feel in control," and then everyone else's fear brains decided to agree. Fear can do strange things, hoarding toilet paper just happens to be this event's "thing".

Robert invited me to come with him to the store - sometimes that's our date night - real exciting huh - but I couldn't do it. I was so anxious being in the store the night before. I wanted to cry standing in the checkout line. 

Story about that: Carus and I are standing there (she was with me because we just came from the barn) and in the next lane over there's a lady with a kid in the front of the cart. Kid is around 3-4 years old. He has a ball and he's put it in his mouth. Then he drops the ball onto the ground. Mom picked it up and gave it back to him and he put it back in his mouth. Like normally I'm all, "hell yeah kid, build that immune system," but right now, fuck no. Yikes. 

I've also had a cough for 2 weeks - Robert and I got sick (I think the flu or a cold, it wasn't too bad) and everything has started blooming and now I'm having asthma attacks and constantly coughing. Carus is always amused at the looks of terror I get when I cough in public. I try not to cough, but sometimes it happens (always into my elbow, even before this shit). 

Living Through History

Okay, so a friend dusted off her blog to document life through the Corona virus experience, and I thought it was a good idea so I am too.

A lot has happened since I last wrote here, but we'll catch up later. Maybe I can get back into blogging/journalling regularly. 

I do know I need a break from anxiously scrolling through Facebook. I feel afraid I'm going to miss something important and also annoyed at selfishness. Not the toilet paper purchasers. That doesn't annoy me, nor do I find it ridiculous. It's how their brains decided to help with their fear. 

So yeah, being under orders to self isolate so we don't end up sick or in quarantine. This shit is weird. 

Carus's senior year has essentially ended early. We're currently closed until April 28th, and she would only go out school until June 2nd or 3rd with graduation on the 6th, so now what? She's worried they won't let her graduate, but they will. There's no way they're going to hold back hundreds of kids who all have plans for the fall because of this. (Knock on wood cause it's not like we saw this coming!) Her driving test got cancelled too which has her mad. She had to wait almost two months for it and now who knows how long it will take to get scheduled. 

Adam was able to finish his current term at Portland State; well, after he finishes his finals this week that they were able to put online he'll be done. He's probably not going to do the next term unless they put them all online for the same price as in person because online classes cost more and we don't have that. Otherwise the expectation is that he returns in the fall. This will extend him into a fifth year at college. He finally decided on a major, btw. Well, he did; it might be changing slightly. I think we're with Computer Science right now. I still think he'd be a good teacher. The random facts the dude knows, I'm telling ya. 

Robert is one that has to go in to work at Intel; can't do his fab job at home. But he's cleaning shared areas and scrubbing hands and they're limiting how close you can be. I don't think he's worried about catching it. He's been bringing home some bad colds this season though so... ???Although, apparently no one cleaned shared desk spaces before this!!! Uuughh. They sure are now! I'm not sure if I'm worried he'll be exposed at work or not. 

I went in to the hospital for my on-site shift on Monday. Then I realized how close patients who are potentially sick are to that office and proceeded to freak the fuck out to myself all day. My hands quickly became raw from extra scrubbing and hand sanitizer. My asthma has been really bad the past few years, especially during the spring allergy season when I can barely control it (I think it's the hazelnut trees). I've been coughing for 2 weeks now - I did catch a cold/flu about 2 weeks ago, but now I think it's just allergies. If I can't handle pollen, I surely can't handle this disease. Anyways, I've decided to not go in to the office until this is over. I can't bring myself to risk it. At first I thought I'd be okay if I caught it as I'm fairly healthy (except my weight) but as we've heard more about the symptoms and the risks I've re-evaluated. 

Or my anxiety is getting the best of me. 

I'll know in 6 months to a year. Heh. 

We've been keeping Carus's horse/donkey lessons. It's nice having that routine and the fresh air and movement. We went to Heather's for donkey time today and it was seriously so peaceful. Even while we were talking about how weird this whole thing feels, it was peaceful. Heather compared it to that uncertain time post 9/11 where we were in shock that something bad could reach us on our little American safety bubble. That feeling we had then. And it is. It's very close to that. Post 9/11, we knew, at least, we were going to war because we needed to respond. You can't go to war against a virus though. Unless our going to war is staying home? Then we looked at the piglets Heather had and watched vaccinations being given. Carus even helped with catching and holding them. She might end up showing Heather's show pig, Victoria Secret, (not one of the piglets though they are also show pigs and not eating pigs) at Fair this year. That's dependent on what's involved in her showing a pig at Fair, whether we have Fair (fingers crossed cause I love it dammit), and if Heather doesn't regret suggesting it in the spur of the moment. Ha! 

I saw a story today with a video of Italians that were asked to share what they would tell themselves 10 days ago, before their outbreak got bad. Our outbreak is just starting. It was a good little video with some sobering advice, much reassurances, and a few laughs. "Play the guitar. Well, learn to play the guitar because you currently suck." I thought it was a good idea though. I turned on my video tonight and recorded us with what we would say to ourselves 10 days ago and/or 10 days from now. We didn't have much yet. I'll do a few more here and there. Maybe in 2 days, or 5. Just for us/myself, I don't think I'll share them. 

What do you think you would say to you from 10 days ago? Or 10 days from now?

Life keeps happening

I keep feeling like things will slow down next week or next month; and then next week or next month arrives and everything is just as crazy and busy as it was before. 

Or it feels more crazy and busy than it really is and I'm just losing my marbles. I don't know anymore.

The horse that Carus started the 4H year with, Caly, didn't work out.  They weren't connecting and it just became a battle of wills between a young horse and a frustrated kid. We were sad as Caly is a sweet horse that Carus did enjoy riding, but it's not fair for her or Carus to keep trying where it wasn't working. 

Also, I had incredible amounts of anxiety over quitting too early.  I do not like to "give up" even if it's in my best interest and I'm more realistically just moving on.

We asked around a little and quickly got a few geldings to try (Carus insists that she can connect to geldings better cause mares be crazy).  

Introducing (sort of):  New lease horse, Chester.  (This is totally old news if you're on Facebook.)

So far Chester is working out great.  If you ask Carus how it's going you will get no words, but instead some excited squealing while she clutches her hands to her face and/or bounces up and down.

She hearts Chester.  

She's still finding school tough to navigate this year; mostly the 2 AP classes and 2 honors classes have her feeling a bit stretched thin, on top of the emotional lows of losing Scout.

My washer motor broke a few weeks ago.  The direct drive motor is not supposed to break EVER but yeah mine did.  Thankfully I have a handy husband who was able to get the parts ordered despite the customer service reps saying "yeah, no the motor can't break it's not the motor" and then got them installed. I was only without a washer for a week.  Surprisingly...not surprisingly?  I was anxious about not being able to do laundry for a week. Cause I'm a weirdo. Or I have issues.  Both?

The master bath is still not done.  We had to save up to purchase the vanity and then we decided the shower stall was beyond cleaning up so we had to search for new glass walls and doors that would fit our the insert which took forever.  Since the new floor was already in we were not replacing the whole thing.  Then, the granite counter top we like is now out of stock.  We found a new supplier so now just saving up a bit more so we can order because it's more expensive than the first one was.  (And yes, all of the we's in that above paragraph refer to Robert. He's doing all the leg work and hard work. I'm in charge of painting.)

Adam is now coming up on the end of his second semester of college and seems like he's floating along.  He is still doing a general transfer degree with plans to transfer to a 4 year college at the end of 2 years of community college and still isn't sure what the end goal is. Occasionally I panic for him and start worrying that he hasn't figured it out yet. 

Struggling

We lost Scout this summer.  He had been dealing with a runny nose for several months and was losing weight.  Antibiotics, expectorants, upping feed, etc - things were tried and not really helping much.  Imaging was done and a mass was seen in his sinuses.  He could have a surgery and they might not even be able to get the mass, he would have trouble with the surgery, if he survived, and because of his history of cancer, the mass was probably cancerous... the decision was made.

We took Carus out and she rode him and loved on him and the next day her and I returned. We bathed him and put flowers in his hair and had one last photo shoot with his girl. Robert helped take him to his appointment the next morning.

We ended up canceling the lease with Dusty too so we sort of lost both.

About a month or so later, we started looking at lease options and one kind of fell into our laps with someone moving into the barn we'd been at for a couple years.  They were joining our 4H group and looking for a partial lease on their horse. Their kid is junior level and they saw Carus as a senior level kid as an opportunity to put some valuable miles on and finish their horse for their kid.

We're about 3 months into that lease and it's going.... not perfectly but not a disaster. I don't know. Carus is just not connecting with this horse. She thinks she's holding back a little to keep from getting hurt and is trying not to hold back but just can't help it. I'm not connecting with her either. I don't really like her - she's not a bad horse or anything. It's just not.... something.  Something is off or different and I don't know how to fix it.

I was scrolling through pics today looking for some landscapes for Carus for her art class and got far enough back that it's just a bunch of her with Scout and Dusty and I'm just struggling.  I miss both of those horses, especially Scout, and the connection Carus had with them.

So yeah, now I'm crying because I miss those damn horses, I feel like I cannot make the right decision for Carus to allow her to participate in and do good in 4H and showing, and I am just a flipping mess...

Leaders Show 2017

It was a very eventful and busy Saturday. 

Carus has started doing English classes at shows, and those are first in shows, which means really early.  Most shows start between 7:00 and 8:30 in the morning. You have to factor in getting up and ready, getting to the barn and feeding breakfast, loading and hauling to the show grounds, getting set up there, tacking up and warming up, and it all makes for VERY early mornings.  

We made it with plenty of time, but found that Dusty lost a shoe somewhere between Friday evening when the farrier came out to our barn to replace a loose nail and the fairgrounds.  We ended up finding it in the trailer, which means she lost it on the way to the show.  The farrier was able to make it out and did an urgent shoe replacement and the rest of the day was....less eventful than that morning.  

Carus did 3 classes with just one shoe (Dusty was moving fine and didn't seem to notice that she was possibly lop-sided) and missed one class (by just 1 minute - seriously, if we had been able to re-bridle her just a smidgen faster, they would have made it).

This is post showmanship green horse - 4th place! They did very well and placed in most of her classes (the loping/cantering ones need a bit more work) - earning two 2nd places, a 3rd, a 4th, two 5th places, and a 6th place.  

Robert being a horse show dad and holding Dusty when Carus ran to the restroom.  ❤❤

He's not a horse person and doesn't have any interest in being a horse person, but he holds horses, occasionally helps with chores or picking up food or supplements, cheers Carus on and helps support her during shows, and is going to be hauling to shows and events. Not because he's becoming a horse person, but because he loves us.  ❤❤

Dusty was definitely done near the end of the classes and let Carus know with some refusing to move forward and spinning and little hops and threats to buck. Carus rode it all out and worked her threw it and her last class ended with the judge asking her to just stand while they finished the class (probably as a precaution to keep the judge and ring steward safe as well as the other competitors and Carus) and on our way back to the trailer at the end of the day, the ring steward approached us to tell Carus that the judge was very impressed with her sticking with Dusty and trying to work her threw it and not giving up.  I really appreciated it.  It had been a very long day and Dusty did great for her third show ever and a lot classes, several really close together.

Video of her green horse showmanship pattern - she placed 4th in this class. 

3 weeks!

Only 3 weeks until Adam's graduation!!

He has turned in his senior project and I'm pretty sure he's given the presentation for that already too.  That reminds me, I want to have him show me the presentation.

His project was being stage manager for a Shakespeare play back in the fall.  He's done stage managing for a few of the plays put on by the drama department at the high school so it wasn't a stretch, but he did have to write an essay and take photos and put it all into a presentation answering certain questions so it was a bit more involved than "usual".

I'm excited for his graduation! And so proud!

And also a bit weirded out.  It just seems so surreal that we're already at graduation for him.

* * * * * * * * *

Our driveway is just big enough for 2 cars. If one car pulls all the way forward we can squeeze in one more and so Adam and I have been playing Car Jenga since he got his car and often being sure to have the first one out the next day parked behind the other.  Most days, he's behind me since he leaves for school and I work at home.  Every now and then we end up having to move one car to let the other out - and it's often he moving his car to let me out so Carus and I can go to the barn.  We have sort of developed a routine.

He backs out and off to the side and I back out lining up next to him.  Carus then rolls down her window (front passenger seat) and makes faces at him or calls him a nerd or such, and Adam is doing the same - making faces or calling her a nerd.

I just wanted to get that written down before I forget because it makes me smile.

Spring Horse Classic 2017

Carus went to the State competition this weekend to compete in Horse Bowl - which is a trivia type competition where they answer questions about horses, how to take care of them, the equipment used with them, as well as riding and showing horses and other 4H rules.  Our county competition was delayed by a month thanks to all the snow in January, which gave us one less month to prepare than the other counties had.

She was on the Intermediate team - and they got 4th place out of the 12 competing counties!  Washington County's Senior team got 3rd place out of 10.  The competition was fierce and each round quite intense.  In one round, Carus buzzed in to answer the last question - the deciding point!  It was quite a difficult question with multiple parts that had to be just right.  The whole room focused on her hard while she answered, and as she said the last words, she froze in place.  Her hands still held up mid gesture she was making while speaking using her fingers to list each part out.  The whole team was leaning forward and perched on the edge of their seats.  Everyone in the room, from the score keepers and timers, to the other team and all of the parents in the audience, seemed to collectively hold their breath.  As soon as the judge nodded and said, "that's correct," Carus and her team collapsed into their chairs with relief and the room let out an audible, collective sigh.  Carus's was the loudest.

Our last round was against Clackamas county (who came in 2nd) and we tied with them, then lost the tie breaking round by 1 point!

We watched the final round, and Carus and her friend were bouncing in their seats at each question because they knew the answers! It was quite comical to watch their dramatics of not being able to scream out the answers -- but you know, some of those answers came to them so easily because they weren't in the hot seats with a buzzer in their hands anymore.

I've never been to Redmond/central Oregon before.  Goodness, Oregon is pretty all over!!  The views coming over the mountain were gorgeous, and I kept getting awestruck at the view of the mountains from the fairgrounds.  I'm so glad the weather was nice - kept the drive uneventful.  And I'm glad I was able to take her to this event!  We drove down early Saturday morning, and headed home Sunday afternoon; just over 400 miles round trip in one weekend! I'm still a bit knackered, but oh so proud of her.

Adam update!

Let's do an update on Adam. Because I want to write something and I should probably talk abut my first born for a change.

He's officially an adult and he's been doing all sorts of adult-ing things this year. He's gotten a car, a job, traveled (mostly) solo - across the country.  Robert helped him file his taxes, and he got a tax return (don't get used to that buddy!). He's ONLY 3 months away from graduating high school! He still doesn't know what he wants to do for a career/job/college. There are some programs that would work perfectly for quick and easy access to a start of a career - and a good career at that, but he's having trouble committing because of what ifs.

"What if I don't like that job? Then I've wasted the time and money on it."

I get it, I get stuck on the what if I don't like it often as well. I don't know what else to do. We try to talk through options. 

He's also in the generation who has learned from their older siblings or parents, that college is super effing expensive and soooooo many people in this country are currently so deep in debt it isn't funny. And just with school loan debt. It shouldn't cost THAT much to go to college; and not even an ivy league school, but dinky little community and smaller state colleges. So much debt with horrible interest rates that you can never get ahead on and still pay cost of living expenses. With those loans being the only options for so many people and with the constant chorus of "you have to go to college to get a good job," waaaay too many people are stuck. 

But I digress.

In school, he's doing okay. He's skating by the classes he doesn't *need* to graduate, and doing well in the ones he does *need*. Work is going well, he likes earning money and having his own car.  We hardly see him because he's at school, hanging with friends, working, or hanging with friends. I see him a bit less because I'm often off being Carus's chauffeur.

See. I can't even get a pic of him unless I snap it quickly as he's heading out the door for work or school (here, work).  

His work stories are interesting...and gross.  He likes his coworkers and managers A LOT, but is totally not a fan of customers. Especially rude jerks or customers that smear their poop all over the bathroom or urinate in the trashcan. He can sympathize with those vomiting, though isn't a fan of them either. The franchise owners seem good to their employees too. There were $25 gift cards for Christmas (not much, but in my opinion amazing coming from a fast food restaurant) and they recently put one of their employees up in a hotel for the weekend when her home flooded. THAT makes me feel like they're good people.  

Anywho - I'm very proud of how awesome he's turned out as a young adult and am excited to see how he grows and matures and moves through life. 

And also completely weirded the frick out about having a child that old.

Carus update

How about an update on Carus?

Sounds good to me.  

Carus is doing amazing! She's making Freshman year look like a piece of cake and I'm so proud of her.  Her grades are great and she's being silly with retaking tests in the high 80s and low 90s to get even higher scores. She wants the highest As possible.  I think the only area she is struggling in is French, but learning a second language can be hard. She is becoming an awesome young woman and I'm seriously so proud of her every day. 

With 4H, she's doing great too! This last weekend was Horse Bowl (like Jeopardy for horse and 4H questions) and she answered enough questions correctly to get 3rd place, she faced her anxiety about public speaking and did a presentation on Stretching for Your Horse and she got 4th place of all Intermediates in Presentation, and then literally volunteered last minute to do an Impromptu speech and got 5th place in that! (5th place ribbon needed to be ordered.)

(Impromptu is where you are given a topic and you have to prepare a speech in 2 minutes, and then give it. The speech must be between 2 and 5 minutes.  Her's was just under 2 minutes on "What class would you add to fair if you had a choice?" - she choose At Liberty Training (where you have a horse do showmanship and other tasks without a lead line).

With that 3rd place in Horse Bowl, she qualifies for Spring Horse Classic!  That is the State-wide Horse Bowl (and speech and presentation) competition. It's at the end of April and we're not sure if she is going to go yet.  She has to want to, and we have to be able to afford the 4-ish hour drive to Redmond, Oregon, and the hotel stay from Friday to Sunday. When we get a bit more information about it, we'll make the decision.  I hope we can make it happen if she wants to go. 

Her working with Dusty is really paying off and Dusty is starting to trust her, and Carus to trust Dusty.  Her appaloosa and smarts get in the way sometimes still, but so much progress has been made. Lessons are going well and Carus is excited for the rest of the shows they have picked out to do this year (one in March, one small one in May and one big one in May, then the main event, Fair, in June!) and I'm less worried about Carus getting hurt on this head-strong mare. 

She got on bareback for a little bit the other night - first time on Dusty bareback.  At first, Dusty tensed up like she was going to start throwing a fit about it, but once she figured out that Carus was just going to love on her and I was going to walk her around she calmed down.  

Last week, while Carus was riding with the other kids at the barn, we were treated to a SPECTACULAR sunset and of course we did the mom thing and made the kids pose for some photos.  And this isn't too bad for a phone photo.  I should start taking the camera with me all the time just for the times we get something this amazing.

Scout has been doing well. I've ridden him with Carus riding Dusty once recently, and hope to do it again. I need to build my confidence on him, and he needs to build his confidence in me, but I'm hoping someday we can go on a trail ride together.

Photography challenge

Well, that didn't take long for me to get uninspired.

In week 3, I realized the list I was looking at online was the previous years' list and I had printed out this year's list.  But no biggie, week 2 and 3 were the only "wrong" ones and I didn't like this year's prompt anyways.

I took a series of photos for week 4 (Mirror) and will share that.... eventually.... maybe. *sigh*

Decided to skip week 5 because I just wasn't inspired by it (Ten Shots)

And then I bought a bag of Skittles for week 6 (Candy) and still plan on trying a few ideas out with those because surprisingly I still have that bag of Skittles 2 weeks later (hid it from the kids well HA!)

Because I do want to write/journal here more and I do want to be inspired by creating art with my camera; I'm going to attempt to remove some pressure of deadlines from me so no more weekly challenge.  My new goal is to share what I've done recently, what I've done that week, the photographs I've taken and the stories I have to share, and hopefully that will help get me out of this funk where I want to create art but don't particularly feel inspired to create art.

Let's see how that works....

Documentaries

(You might have seen this on my Facebook. I wanted to share here too.)

Carus is learning about WWII in school and yesterday while trying to find something to watch we found a documentary on Amazon. It was an interview with a survivor.

She was 15 when her town in Poland was invaded. Her brother was 18. He was sent off to work, and they never heard from him again. They moved her and her parents to the basement of their home while a German family moved in, and she wasn't even allowed to go into her garden.

She was 18 when they split her from her parents and was sent off to Auschwitz and 21 when she was liberated. She was one of 150 women that survived a death march that started with over 2000 women in January 1945. Liberation for her was in May 1945. Her best friend died in her arms while she watched an Allied jeep approach.

On the train to Auschwitz, after living in an occupied city for 3 years, not knowing what came of her brother, not knowing when she'd see her parents again, she still thought the war would be over soon; within 6 months.

She was the only member of her family, the only one of her closest friends, the only one of her town to survive.

The only one. 

* * * * * * * * * * *
We went on to start a BBC documentary on Netflix with 6 episodes. Not surprisingly, episode 1 was about Auschwitz.

In it, they interviewed survivors AND Nazi soldiers. One Nazi soldier still held his prejudice. He had little to no remorse for what he did. He looked embarrassed to be speaking of it but not remorseful. He spoke of massacres of shooting women and children at the edge of a pit they were forced to dig, and when asked why he just said because it's what was done. When asked if he regret any of it, he said no. When asked why, he said because they were Jews.

He had grown up with the anti-Semitic propaganda that bread the Nazi regime and the concentration camps and WWII. It was so deeply instilled in him that 80 years later he still had no regrets about murdering hundreds (or thousands) of men, women, and children.

* * * * * * * * * * *
It's all been rattling around in my head today. It was hard to watch. It will be hard to continue to watch.

My daughter is 15. My son is 18.

* * * * * * * * * * *
I wish I had gotten some of Robert's grandmother's stories written down/recorded (she grew up in England and was coming of age during WWII). The few she shared with me were amazing.