Struggling

We lost Scout this summer.  He had been dealing with a runny nose for several months and was losing weight.  Antibiotics, expectorants, upping feed, etc - things were tried and not really helping much.  Imaging was done and a mass was seen in his sinuses.  He could have a surgery and they might not even be able to get the mass, he would have trouble with the surgery, if he survived, and because of his history of cancer, the mass was probably cancerous... the decision was made.

We took Carus out and she rode him and loved on him and the next day her and I returned. We bathed him and put flowers in his hair and had one last photo shoot with his girl. Robert helped take him to his appointment the next morning.

We ended up canceling the lease with Dusty too so we sort of lost both.

About a month or so later, we started looking at lease options and one kind of fell into our laps with someone moving into the barn we'd been at for a couple years.  They were joining our 4H group and looking for a partial lease on their horse. Their kid is junior level and they saw Carus as a senior level kid as an opportunity to put some valuable miles on and finish their horse for their kid.

We're about 3 months into that lease and it's going.... not perfectly but not a disaster. I don't know. Carus is just not connecting with this horse. She thinks she's holding back a little to keep from getting hurt and is trying not to hold back but just can't help it. I'm not connecting with her either. I don't really like her - she's not a bad horse or anything. It's just not.... something.  Something is off or different and I don't know how to fix it.

I was scrolling through pics today looking for some landscapes for Carus for her art class and got far enough back that it's just a bunch of her with Scout and Dusty and I'm just struggling.  I miss both of those horses, especially Scout, and the connection Carus had with them.

So yeah, now I'm crying because I miss those damn horses, I feel like I cannot make the right decision for Carus to allow her to participate in and do good in 4H and showing, and I am just a flipping mess...

Clever Title

Hmm, how to start this post?  I mean, I used all my creativity up on the title already, what is left for the rest of this? 

Things are going.... well, they're going somewhere. Half the time I feel like I'm doing okay and the other half of the time I feel like I'm struggling to breathe. I keep forgetting my doctor gave me a prescription for anxiety meds and I have a full blown anxiety attack before I remember.  

I joined a group on Facebook that is dedicated to cleaning tips and tricks on a recommendation from a friend after asking about front load washers and dryers.  It's a large group so you can get a lot of input on types and brands of W&D (as well as vacuums, detergents, soaps, etc). After a few weeks in that group though, a few things:

1) Some of those ladies are CRAAAAY-ZAYY about keeping their house clean; to the point where they have an actual breakdown because hubby didn't rinse his plate before putting it in the sink. 

2) For about a week I felt really guilty about my house, but then I realized: it's not that bad overall and it could be worse and I'd rather be doing all the other stuff I do do and things I never find time for than obsessing over it. 

3) The insistence that husbands are unable to clean up after themselves and are therefore referred to as another child is epidemic and sad. Expect them to be an adult and help out and they will. Also, stop referring to grown ass men as children. Yes, they can be as much of a pain in the ass as kids; however, they are still not kids and are capable of a lot more than they are sometimes given credit for. It also seems that a lot of them know the trick of doing a half-assed job the first time asked so they won't ever be asked to do it again.  Also, if they do something differently than you, but the end result is the same - suck it up buttercup, it's not how it gets done just that it gets done.

4) I still don't know what washer and dryer I want. Front load or top load? If I go with top load - with or without an agitator? What brand is good? WHY IN THE HELL DO THE COOL ONES HAVE TO COST SO MUCH?!

Adam will be turning 18 this year. (I know, right?!!?!?) Every now and then Robert and I remember this, or realize that he will (theoretically) graduate next year (he's on track to graduate but shit happens and I'm not trying to jinx anything) and we will be floored for a few seconds while contemplating the HOLY SHIT-ness of it all. 

Like now. I just realized what I typed out and had to focus on breathing for a second. 

My boss was even floored the other day when I said something about his 18th birthday this year. I've been working at Providence for 10 years this August so yeah - time flies when you're not looking. 

Anyways - he turns 18 and I realized that he can 1-can vote for the first time this year, 2-vote in the primaries which for Oregon take place in April, and 3-will get to vote for president for the first time. I made him register to vote but won't force him to vote. He doesn't know who he'd like to vote for beyond, "NOT Trump!" I'm right there with him. 

Carus has started working - sort of.  She is working off some of Scout's boarding fees by working at the barn 3 days a week.  Friday, Saturday, and Sunday she is to feed dinner to all horses (11 horses and 1 mini horse), check and fill waters in all pastures and stalls, and clean 5 stalls in addition to Scout's. I'm helping too because I can't just sit around waiting for her to be done while twiddling my thumbs.  She is very excited about it.

Adam tagged along for Donkey lessons this week too.  He became friends with Tess, which wasn't too hard as he had a scratcher and some grain. Carus is still making friends with Bailey who is making Carus work for her friendship, though they did graduate to donkey driving which was semi-successful.  Adam might have some interest in driving donkeys too. He's being a bit shy about whether or not he wants to learn how. 

(There is no sound to the above video - the rain hitting the barn roof was too loud so I muted it.) (Stupid Oregon is still raining. LOTS)

Chewie is still a puppy and all the puppy work that comes with it, but he is starting to understand potty training and he can sit on command.  Most of the time he will also stop chewing on something he isn't supposed to be chewing on when I say leave it. Most of the time. He doesn't like me reprimanding him either. He got his first shots today - 13 lbs 8 oz. He is growing quickly.

In this video he was trying to convince Wilbur to come down and play. Wilbur has no interest. He doesn't poof up or hiss or swipe at Chewie, but he will walk away when he's done with the puppy barking and bouncing and trying to bite his tail. Simba, on the other hand, flat out Cats at Chewie, though he Cats at Leia too. He might consider Yoda a cat as he just ignores him. 

Project 52 - Week 10 - Look up

This theme worked well with spring and all the trees blooming.  

Looking up from ground level or...

...from standing.

A blooming tree at the barn.  All the trees around here are blooming.  It's officially spring.  

After I finished photographing the blossoms I switched to the barn cats.

Kitty photo bomb.

Muffin

Rascal

Rascal and Buddy.

And then it was time to photograph Carus and Scout.  She's working on a few things in preparation of their first show at the end of this month.  

Looking up at Carus while trying to keep Scout from licking my camera.

It makes him look really tall, huh?

Muffin again.

Week 11's theme is Letters

Project 52 - week 5 - Hidden

Things have gotten a bit crazy lately - as they are wont to do from time to time - and I'm behind! Let's see, week 5 was January 30th through February 5th and the theme was hidden.

I had grand plans for all sorts of inspired photography with this theme and then it came to the end of the week and I hadn't been able to find inspiration anywhere so I grabbed a few shots and moved on. I can always revisit it later. 

Carus likes to hide Scout's cookies in his grain bowl under hay so he has to search for it.  

At the end of the evening at the barn, the kitties are usually hidden in cozy places for naps and Carus likes to climb to the top of the hay bales to search them out.  Rascal is usually the one she finds and he'll play for a bit before crawling in her lap for purrs and cuddles.  When it's time to go I have to convince her to come down. Threats to leave her behind are met with an enthusiastic OK. 

Trees hidden in shadow with light pollution illuminating them from behind. 

All posts for the project so far:  Project 52 in 2015

Next theme:  Tiny