My laptop died about 2ish weeks ago. I'm very sad about it. If you follow me on Facebook you will see my hilarious posts lamenting its demise. Well, they're hilarious to me.
I'm doing this update from my phone and am finding it rather annoying (autocorrect doesnt think I mean what I think I mean) so I probably won't be doing it again soon.
I asked the kids to clean their bathroom today to make it presentable to the guests we will be having this evening (cooking a turkey dinner cause we like leftovers)(our neighbor/friends are coming cause they like turkey dinners) and it reminded me of a couple weeks ago when I asked them to clean it last time for company. After making my request, Carus asked me who was coming over. "Gramma and Grandpa are for Daddy's birthday."
"Oh, well then we're okay. We don't have to clean it. They don't mind."
We had a spring day. It was clear, sunny, and about 60 degrees. It was gorgeous!
The little birdies agreed.
Have you ever tried to say more than one word at once?
It's been happening pretty often around here lately. The other night, Adam tried to say microwave, stove, and oven all at the same time and it came out "microstoven", which was pretty funny.
And then he put on a silly accent and said, "In Microstoven, oven cooks you!"
Send him a note in his lunch that an adult will see. He was completely okay with the possibility of his friends seeing, but the thought of an adult seeing it when he had his food (leftovers) warmed up made him blush!
Last night I found myself wishing that sometimes our day-to-day lives were being taped for a reality television show. Not because I actually wanna be on TV - the camera adds 10 pounds, and I just don't need that! But because then some of the funniest things that my husband and kids do could be captured. Not to mention the priceless please-God-let-me-remember-that things the kids do and say.
Last night we had one of those funny moments -
Robert: "...we're invited to his video game party in a few weeks"
(Note: The 'his' in this sentence refers to Robert's friend Gizmo Guy. Side note: YAY for all geeks, nerds, and gamers!)
Now camera, pan to Adam. Adam, who has started hyperventilating and bouncing with his eyes popping out of his head and is just dying for the statement that says he gets to go too.
Disclaimer: Adam's excitement of being at a party where the sole purpose is to play video games may have been substantially increased over the fact that he has been grounded for 2 weeks for slacking on his responsibilities (minus the time where he was released on parole but got himself re-grounded in mere minutes).
The end
Yeah, I'm not the greatest storyteller - that's why it would be great if we had cameras going around recording us....well maybe. I like to pick my nose in private.
We are in the golden age. When body parts and their functions are funny.
Wait, aren't you suppose to 'outgrow' that humor?
The other day Robert was helping Adam clean out his toys. He found so many dirty socks it isn't funny.
See I told you my ability to get laundry done in a timely manner had nothing to do with his lack of socks.
While picking up the toys that weren't broken Robert was pointiing out the nerf balls that go to one of Adam's nerf guns that he was to pick up and said, "you have balls there, and there, and there."
To which Carus replied, "Heh, balls." (Boo, writing it out just doesn't do it justice....)
Decorating the Christmas tree later that evening continued the theme.
Recently Robert got a new TV because he felt the big screen that we got like 2 months ago that took three people to get it up the stairs and in the house was too big for our living room - and it kinda was - but the new TV needed a stand to sit on so we start looking for a stand.
We went to four Goodwills and got other goodies, but no stand.
We went to furniture stores and just couldn't bring ourselves to pay that much money for pressboard with vinyl stickers.
So we checked out Craigslist and we looked and looked and couldn't seem to find anything that we both liked in our price range. Then getting desparate we found a $20 stand that we could cut and paint and it would sorta work the way we want. So we emailed them:
Us:
Do you still have it? How tall is it from the floor where the tv goes?
Would you take $19.58 for it?
Them:
we do still have and the TV is about 18"-24" off the ground. If the $19.58 is a serious offer we would accept it, but honestly can't figure out why $0.42 would make a difference.
Call _______ if you want to come and get it.
It is so nice to see others that get our sense of humor.
The next day, before we got their reply email, we did find the perfect stand via Craigslist. It was a teensy bit more than we wanted to pay, and Robert wasn't able to haggle them down, but I really really love it.
Now the rest of our furniture looks like crap!
Also, I now have a big screen TV parked in my dining room for sale - any takers?
Don't recognize a word while reading? Sound it out.
I tell the kids that all the time and while 99% of the time I can get away with that and they will be able to get the word, there are a few exceptions to the rule.
Via Adam:
Trebuchet said tre-but-chit
Arkansas said Are-kansas
And he still says Are-kansas! Most of the time on purpose to get a laugh, but every now and then, a complete slip.
And not from Adam, but love it still. It is how I prefer to pronounce it.
Carus has made some new friends that are a year or two older than her and don't actually live near us, but have walked down just to hang out with her. I think she actually knows them from school - Carus will make friends with anyone with no concern for age, sex, color, nationality, etc. and they are her best friend for ever. She has hundreds of best friends.
Anyways, the new friends are in the garage with her playing with Barbies and when I noticed they were there I went out to say hi and was met with . . .
Girl 1: "Are you Carus's mom?"
Me: "Yes"
Girl 2: "Wow, you look young!"
Me: "Thank you"
Carus: "Yeah, she's 27."
Girl 2: "You ARE young!"
Me - just smile 'cause what am I supposed to say, I've said thank you. . .
Girl 1: "My mom is almost 30!" (said in that can-you-believe-it-it-is-the-most-unimaginable-thing-EVA tone of voice)
Yeah, so I guess I don't have to worry about my age yet.
Do math. That's what I thought of when I saw this video. I hope they did math before trying that!
Robert says it looks fun and he wants to do it - sure hunny, just make sure you have life insurance first. And lots of it. My new trophy husband needs a Porche.
* * * * * * * * * *
In other news, things that also made me laugh and choke on my drink or laugh and nearly - I said NEARLY- piss my pants this week, in no particular order:
1. Dooce and her post on her washing machine troubles. As well as probably 20 of her other posts that are just downright HILARIOUS!
2. Adam getting Carus to smell his stinky-been-wearing-to-practice-all-week Under Armour shirt which caused her to back into the doorknob (not the funny part) and then tried to whine to me that her brother made her back into the doorknob and I laughed and then she cried (again, not the funny part). Holy run-on sentence Batman! Anyways, she now knows (I hope) that you don't smell everything someone hands to you and says 'smell' - I hope.
3. Adam laughing his head off for a good solid 5 minutes because Robert tossed some almonds and pecans at him and said, "Put moms nuts in the freezer." hehe - Yea, I share the immature sense-of-humor Adam, Robert and most other males have. And because of this I get to laugh a lot! Yay for us passing immature humor and smart ass-ness off to our kids. Its great to laugh.
4. Dimitri and his total hotness loving on the elegant woman Olga (did I finally spell elegant right? I hope so).
5. Watching Yoda chase his tail in circles trying to itch it and not really succeeding. Its hard being a pug with a flat face. Normal doggy duties (hehe I said duties) go neglected because of his flat face.
6. Every time Yoda goes down the stairs he slides at the bottom and skids into the door. i.e. the flat face? You'd think he would learn to not hall-ass down those stairs so he could actually stop when he steps off the carpeted stairs onto the slick laminate and not slide right into the door. But no, he likes to make me laugh.
7. Dude, you will never guess what I found in my washing machine!! Seriously I found a spider - a daddy long legs and I was like aah, poor spider, died in the washing machine.
Wait, does a spider with a spider web in my washer mean I don't do laundry? What's your problem DLL? Talking all sorts of crap about my making sure my family has clean clothes issues. Yeah, well, well....Jerk! Oops, sorry tangent there.
But then I poked DLL with one of Adam's dirty socks 'cause I may be okay with DDLs over other spiders but I still ain't voluntarily touching one! And he moved!
Holy crap he's alive - and no I don't think Adam's sock stunk bad enough to even make a dead spider move. Well, maybe. But I learned LONG ago that you do not smell boys gym/workout clothes, socks, or underwear. That's what you get with having three brothers, especially when one of those brothers have Bud's feet. That boy can clear a room 2 seconds after taking off his shoes. But anyways, DLL totally ran off up under the lip of the washer. So I loaded it and started it and now he is having a jaccuzi or like the bestest spider carnival ride EVA! I hope he don't puke on my clothes.
8. The fact that the second we say bedtime, Adam goes to the bathroom and proceeds to sit on the toilet doing a #2 for like 2 hours! Take that bedtime!
I have the kids doing some chores this morning. Adam was the first one done with breakfast so he is the first to get started. One job was to get all the dirty laundry from all the rooms.
Me: "Did you get all the laundry from all the rooms?"
Adam: "Yes."
Me: "Nope." As I pointed to a dirty dish towel in the kitchen.
Adam: "This doesn't have room in the name, it is only the kitchen so it doesn't count."
Conversation from lunch time today. Carus went to warm up some mini corndogs in the microwave and . . .
Carus: "Mom, why did you put the cupcakes in the microwave!"
Me: "I don't want to attrack ants." (We've been having problems with the little sugar ants, it's a yearly event and will pass soon, but in the meantime it sucks to wake up to a moving counter.)
Carus: "They can't get into the container, duh!" (Yea, she 'duhs' people)
Yup, thanks to my lovely oven going from 350 degrees to 500 degrees in under 10 minutes I can say I have boiled a pumpkin pie. Pumpkin pies are supposed to cook around 45 to 60 minutes, mine was in the oven for probably 15 minutes total. And other than the bubble I had to pop, which was darker than the rest of the pie, it was perfect. Done in 15 minutes and yummy.
We learned soon after we moved in 4-1/2 years ago that the oven's actual temperature almost always differed than the temperature it was set to. It is mostly just 50 degrees hotter, and occasionally will be spot on, but every now and then we will have nice little spikes, which is why I can't put brownies in the oven and go start laundry or put cookies in and go to the bathroom. Both examples are true-to-life examples by-the-way. I have learned to either wait to put them in the oven or do a little dance so I don't wet myself.
I've also learned that while cooking I shouldn't answer the door, argue with Robert, or go wipe a kids' butt. Thankfully that last one is no longer a need in my house (thank you Jeebus)! But (hehe I said but) it was the bane of my existance for the longest time.
And yes we have lived with the possessed oven for 4-1/2 years. We are renters so its not like we are saving up for an oven to replace it. Oh, the oven I would replace it with. I dream of it. I dream of it and drool. And then I wake up and cry 'cause I'm stuck in my halfway-stuck-in-the-70s-kitchen with a possessed oven.
Your now thinking, "well why don't you just tell your landlord to fix it or buy a new one?" and I agree! Everyone please join me in telling my husband to call the landlord already and tell him the dadblamed oven is broken! Did I mention that one of the little burners doesn't work either. I don't miss it though - the other 3 suffice just fine. But he don't call, go over, and doesn't want me to call, go over, either. Why?
I dunno?
ANYHOO - I'm rambling. What was I going to tell ya?
Oh yea!
So tonight Robert is making dinner. And before you go "Aaahh how sweet" it was 'cause I told him if he makes dinner then I will make dessert, and his idea of dinner was frozen pizza - well cooked frozen pizza. I guess they aren't frozen now!
*Note: Robert does cook dinner probably 2-3 times a month for me and I appreciate it EVERY time. He also will buy dinner/take us to a restuarant several times a month and I appreciate that more. And he does dishes (sometimes - if I cry).
Oops, sidetracked again. See I do that.
A lot!
So he turned the oven on to 350 degrees and then went to the garage freezer - thank you David's mom and dad for giving us your old chest freezer, and thank you David for bringing it to me - to get the pizzas (Freschetta Brick Oven). Then back upstairs - opened the packages and put the pizzas in the oven. He set the timer for 3 minutes thinking that in 3 minutes he could check 'em and rotate 'em - yup it also cooks unevenly - and he sat down to his show.
And then the timer goes off and then he opens the oven door says "SHIT" and the smoke alarm goes off.
That's right folks, our oven BURNED (not badly) 2 pizzas in 3 minutes!
The boxes say to cook at 400 degrees for 12-16 minutes! HA! Not for us, we're special. No not that kind of special!
So after we got them out of the oven, and fanned our smoke alarm with a towel - 'cause I'm short and can't reach the button - we surveyed the damage.
Not bad... They were still edible and just as good as usual.
As we were waiting for the kids to come in for dinner I just looked at him with a smile, and he looked at me and said, "I know. Call Don."
When Carus was about 3, Robert was getting her dressed and she pointed at her nipples and said, "one day these are going to be boobies."
We were lucky enough to have family visitors for Thanksgiving this year. Terye (my mom), Peter (my brother), and Carie (Peter's g/f) came for a visit and on their first night here during dinner the conversation turned to Robert's recent birthday (30) and how he was now "old". (He isn't really old, the kids and I have just been teasing him because he said he felt he was getting old.) Adam then said he doesn't feel 30 is that old and that "you're not really old until you're like 50...I mean until you're like 70 or 80." I had to say, "Terye, he corrected himself because he thought you were over 50 and didn't want to call you old."
Adam made up a song: (sung to the tune from Sesame Street's Baby Bear 'He's a hero' song)
I have an eyebrow, It is big. It's a monobrow, I used to dig.
He was unable to get any further in his composition because we were laughing too hard.
Yesterday I found I have gray hairs. I really don't mind them, they just snuck up on me and surprised me. I found it while I was waiting for Carus after school and when she got in the car we had the following conversation:
Me: I have gray hair Carus: Na-uh. Me: Yup, see. Carus: Ha, now your old.
After picking up Adam after choir practice she told him that I was old 'cause I have gray hair, and that Gramma Barbara (Robert's mom) doesn't even have gray hair. I laughed and said, "Yea, well she cheats and dies the gray hair!"
While talking to my mom she suggested that I tell some funny stories from the kids - so this is collection #1.
When Carus was a baby Adam would watch me change her diaper and he would just watch quietly, or talk and coo at her to distract her so she wouldn't get upset. When she was maybe 1-2 months old, I was changing her when Adam announced, "her penis will grow in later." He announced this as if it was something he had been contemplating for awhile and he had finally figured it out for himself.
After relaying this story to my mom (which I'm sure wasn't the first time even though she claims it is) she was reminded of when I was little and my first brother (I have 3 younger brothers), Bud, was a newborn. She had explained to me about the umbilical cord and how that it will fall off, so once while she was changing him I noticed his penis and asked, "did mine fall off with my umbilical cord?" - She still nearly wets herself laughing.
Her favorite story from my kids is a recent one. Earlier this summer we were cleaning out their toy boxes and getting some old toys together to sale for the yard sale. I had them dump the entire tub and we had a keep pile, throw away pile (for all the broken ones), and a sale pile. When we had thinned out the mountain I decided the kids could finish up themselves while I moved onto something else. It didn't take long for the arguing to begin and neither one was helping as much as the other felt was necessary. Adam finally had enough and said, "Carus go sit in the sale pile so we can put you in the yard sale."
Another favorite of hers was from a few summers ago when I had my grandparents (gramma and poppy), her and her husband (Terye and Claude), my three brothers (Bud, Peter, and Charlie), and Peter's girlfriend (Kari) visiting for the 4th of July. Poppy had said that he was a little tired and wanted to lay down for a bit so Carus offered him her bed. He said he wasn't sure if he would fit and she said, "it's big enough for 2 fat people."
All young kids repeat swear words and mine have learned one or two - partly because I (and Robert) refuse to never swear since I'm an adult and have earned the right to say whatever I want, especially when I stub my toes; and partly because of our friend, David, who doesn't have kids and thought it would be a good idea to teach a 2-year-old Adam to say 'joto' (pronounced ho toe - gay in spanish). Another time, Adam was about 3 and got frustrated at Robert so he yelled the 'N' word and walked off. Thanks David. Also when Adam was 3 we were watching Mighty Joe Young on TV and Robert walked into the room. He watched for a moment and said, "that is a big fucking monkey." A few days later, Mighty Joe Young came on TV again and Adam, all excited, ran to Robert and said, "Daddy, daddy - Fuck a monkey."
Recently, I have been teaching the kids to cook so they can help with dinner and have more responsiblity. After Adam's first dinner Robert was teasing him by saying that the chef always eats last (I'm a great example of that), so the next night while Carus was finishing up her dinner her and Robert had the following conversation...
Carus: This is all for me. Robert: But the chef eats last. Carus: I'm not the chef, I'm the cook.
Our kids have little bits of smartass in them, we must be rubbing off. Last night Robert grabbed Adam and gave him a big hug that lifted him off the floor and his back popped.
Adam: Ow, my back. Robert: Didn't it feel good to pop it? Adam: No. Robert: It feels good when I pop mine. Adam: That's 'cause you're old.....der than me.
There was a pause and a look of 'oh crap' dawned on Adam's face...Nice save Adam.
Well that is all my empty, memory drained brain will allow me to remember this round.
I challenge my blog writing readers to post some funny kids stories. Kids do say the funniest things!
